ok, so here's what no-one ever tells you...you're cruising through life, and things are going swell. Sure there are some hiccups along the way, but nothing that stops you dead in your tracks. (for the record, not a lot would stop me anyways...) then all of a sudden you get slammed in the back by a teenager who's decide to "change her life course" mid stream. She looks at you like this is sooo normal ("why are you so freaked out mom?"). You glance back at her and think, "so this is why animals eat their young." makes perfect sense to me now, never could understand it when i watched the filmstrip in science...It's crystal clear to me today. If you don't understand this or think it sounds harsh....call me when you have teenagers. Well talk. Ill forgive you for judging me prematurely. you can weep, throw things, or just scream. I'll get it. but let me back up a little....
6 weeks ago on a normal night, while i was laying next to my normal husband, in my normal bed, #1 walks in and says, "i think i want to graduate early!" problem 1: she acts like this is totally normal lingo to spout off at 1:00 am on a sunday night. problem #2: it's 1:00 am.
I'm like totally in tune with her (like all mothers of teens girls) and tell her to go to bed, she's tired, and acting delusional. my normal husband rolls over and says, "why? whats going on?"
I'm like, really? we are humoring her and having this discussion now? really? so i (being the mature adult i am) roll over and put the pillow over my head.
the problem is, even though i really cant hear all that well, i can hear EVERY STINGING WORD she says. "I want out, im going 1/2 day as it is. I don't see the point. I'm feeling like I'm going to make bad choices. I feel pulled. I have enough credits. I can do it. I know I can. why not?"
i push the pillow harder against my ears. and for the record, in this moment- i think she smells like bacon...i love bacon. im hungry.
husband continues the line of questioning (notice ive taken the "normal" away, because obviously he's not normal if he's seriously considering this option!) and wraps it up with, :#1, why don't you research it, and get all the questions answered and then me and your mom will discuss it." she dances out of the room with a "thanks dad!, I will!" i pull off the pillow enough to mutter to husband, "im NOT talking to you about this. EVER." i proceed to do the "harsh roll over, line up the pillows down the bed, don't touch me move." (don't EVEN act like you don't know what this is!!!) im overflowing maturity here, i know. i cant help it. its natural.
husband gently lifts the pillow off my head and whispers, "lets see what she does and then we'll talk. I love you...even if you're mad." I do what you would expect and pop off with a weak..."i don't love you today. and I'm not TALKING to you!" (shameful. but necessary? i thought so too.)
by the next morning i am holding 10 sheets of paper about early graduation, my first cup of coffee, and the phone all while husband is asking me to make some calls and "at least walk through the door, and see what they say. I'm not crazy about this either, but she did the research and I think we need to at least make the effort." i could eat him too. he's lost a lot of weight and i truly think i could take him in a wrestling match pound for pound at the very least. (my maturity level is at an all time high here!)
after 2 days of full out tears, begging, pleading my points and reasons, and offering my best negotiating skills with husband, we settle on the reality that we need to do this life change. im a hater. cold. weak. i go with angry first, get nowhere and then go in for the kill and bring tears...nothing, he's not even biting.
I offer things like: "i wanted better for her!", "what will people think?," "its her senior year, its supposed to be fun!," "How hard can it be?,"this is not the way its supposed to go!"
husband offered, "better than what? Whats really the BEST we can give her?" Who cares what people thing?", "how many kids were making GOOD choices your senior year Penny? is that the "fun" we want for her?", "It can be hard, especially when you are telling your parents I NEED OUT!" who wrote the book on how it's supposed to be?" he's good. he's been thinking. not good for me.
I hate when men offer reason for emotion. fact for feelings. truth for lies we believe. I secretly just want my way. the right way...apparently not in the cards for me.
we make the change. its painful. im hurting. my precious girlfriends are listening to my pathetic story, and doing what all good girlfriends do - listen, cry at the right times, offer up soothing words like, "no he did not!, i can't believe it! i am so sorry!" but then they gently slip in those wisdom offerings like, "maybe you need to let go, and trust him and Him?" (whatever!?) "Now im not saying your wrong (that would break the girlfriend code!!) but maybe he has a point?"(i cut her from the christmas card list temporarily)..."maybe...(this one stung a little...i was secretly mad at her for a few days -but need her friendship and honesty to desperately to stay there! dang it!)...maybe it is your issue? maybe you are worried about what other people think? do ya think that could be at the core of this?" i told her i needed to go. but that she was entirely wrong. Way off. of course i didn't care what people thought! WHATEVER!! rude.
true.
painfully true.
shamefully, the realization was...i would have sold out my #1 for appearances in the moment. Why do we do this? Why do we care? How did i get back to this place? I pride myself on being an open book, and not needing approval from others. this could not be happening to me. but it was. disgust. yuk!
God has a funny (and im not laughing yet!) way of stripping us down to our core issues doesn't He? Just when you think you licked it, it comes back to bite you in the butt! good grief. Will we ever mature? Do we ever outgrow these bad habits, and old baggage? *sigh*
We do. I know we do. I've lived to throw out some crap luggage and some garbage bags of waste, and seen the other side...i just like to get close to the stench every now and then for some peculiar reason. I think its because its sneaky (especially this acceptance/approval thing) no one sets out to get it, it just feels so good when it happens that you forget that the giver of all good things is not the one standing in front of you saying, "you're great!" or "good job!" the giver, The GIVER is patiently standing at your side walking you through every heart wrenching step, knowing that because you belong to Him, you will come back, you will realize the emptiness of verbal accolades, silly awards, and pats on the back, and you will turn sideways and see Him. And then, if you are anything like me, you will burst into tears and say..."have mercy on me and redeem me again!...yes, its me...again...." and just as faithful as always He will.
again.
and again.
*Footnote*
For the record, i could still eat my young. i don't know if i would do it limb by limb or just devour them whole...i haven't worked that out yet. I have decided not to eat the husband. After all, he is the voice of reason and truth (often) and he's put up with a lot of emotional girls for the last 18 years...BUT, and i just need to get this off my chest...while i got the house ready for the graduation party (yes, she did it! Thank you Lord!) he took a nap, and then spent about 3 hours fixing some burnt out christmas lights that i could have cared less about. Seriously now? what is wrong with him?
~xoxo~
Motherhood is not for sissies..its really not. But I am strong. I am mighty. I will own this!
Pen
The graduate...
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