i love a vacation...kinda...maybe?

Traveling with your spouse, and other things I didn’t learn in pre-martial counseling…

 I love a vacation.  I love to plan it, map it, pick the places we should eat, stay & visit and most of all I love the general idea of “loose” plans.  easy, flexible, spontaneous time.    

But, I am married.

 And sadly, he does not see vacation the way I do.  Some people say this is where we “compliment” each other.  I think they are liars.  Never fall for that line. EVER.  

Let me tell you a little something about traveling with your spouse.  It all starts the day you agree to go away…for any reason, to anywhere.  Currently, our vacation is the adventure of picking up our #1 at college.  We are Colorado bound. A road trip!!  I LOVE ROAD TRIPS...Who doesn't love road trips? hmmm? ohhhhh....he doesn't?...seriously? ohhhh yeah i do remember that about him..., well let me back up to the beginning so you can truly appreciate this vacation.  and please, let me just give you a few pointers before you venture out on “vacation” with your love.  It ain't like they show in the movies, That’s for sure!
Feel free to consider this the counseling that you never received before you got married...it's like the episiotomy of marriage - no-one mentions this part, and it hurts like heck when your going through it!:

#1 – People who say they “enjoy traveling with their spouse” are either heavily medicated or they are criminally insane. 
Now, I have nothing against a little medication, and I love a little fiction, so please don’t misunderstand me, but I am stating (firmly!) that when 2 completely med-free, sane, married people get in the car together, someone should throw in a marriage counselor for free. I am seriously considering this as my new wedding gift.  It should just be part of all married travel budgets: attractions-check!, hotels-check!, food-check!…and marriage counselor…check, check! (you will want to double down on this!)  

Exhibit 1:

Night before we leave (another bad sign is a slight disagreement/conflict before you even leave!) My man: “What time are you thinking we should head out tomorrow?”
Me: “about 8 or 9”
My man:…(SIGH, big shoulder shrug), “I think we should be on the road by 6, 7 at the latest!”
Me: “Is this a test?  Because you ASKED me what time, and then you TOLD me what you already planned to do?”
My man: “Honey, calm down, if you want to leave at 7, we can do that.” (as if he's given in?!)
Me: “I’m not talking to you anymore tonight!” (this is my mature -18 years of marriage-way of handling tough situations…I’m not proud, it’s just all I can think of in the moment, its probably far better that the words that could come flying out...right? i mean that's a "win" in my book!?)

My man: (laughing!-he just cracks himself up this guy!!) “ok, ok, 7:30! And by the way you’re cute when you’re mad!” (bwahhahaha…still cracking himself up!)

my blood pressure is rising. quickly. i feel a tightness in my chest. but again showing full maturity, I withhold any response...but in my head I think, “oh my love, please be sure and move all extra pillows from our bed, for I fear you could be smothered tonight!” (Immaturity reigns inside.  Hey, you cant win 'em all.)

*Side note-Enlighten me...Why do men find it so humorous to push you right to the brink of the cliff and then try and pull you back by your shirt?  What is funny about this? It’s like when you hop in bed after a relaxing bath and your once a week -“Shave, Shampoo, and Soak” -and they toot, and then they start giggling…which leads to ridiculously loud guffawing AND the dreaded loud clap, which makes you want to punch them!    I find no humor in this.  none. digging deep, but nothing!  After 18+ years of marriage, I’ve found that no response is your best bet.  I’ve tried many things to deter this type of senseless behavior, but in the end, silence is your best bet. (im a professional on this, you can trust me.)

As we carry on with our packing and getting everything ready for the trip, I am made aware of yet another area of concern…

#2- People “pack/get ready” for trips differently.  The right way (like me) and the wrong way (like that other guy!)

Exhibit 2:

My man:  do you want to share a suitcase and pack together? (*this is a total trick question, do not fall for this one!! Would i lie to you?...ok then! stay the course!)
Me: not really, but we can if you want to…(crap! I’ve gotta pack for this trip still! I totally forgot!)
My man: Well I’m just thinking about space, #1 has a lot of stuff to bring back…(he’s a planner, he’s already laid out his clothes in nice neat folded squares around the end of the bed. it makes me crazy i want to casually walk by and just move them around...im fixated on this quirk of his.)
Me: ok, that’s fine (note the maturity! - or the distrated tone in my voice. Whatever?!)
My man: ok, great!...(perfectly aligning his squares for that perrrrfect fit into the suitcase)

…but then he pulls out the absolute smallest overnight bag on wheels that we own.  I’m not kidding people, we own probably 30 travel/duffel bags, and we even splurged at some point and bought one of those variety packs of luggage where they zip into themselves for a combined total of like 8 bags (which seriously, who would ever use that little thing they call a carry one? For real now!) But nooooo, my man, that good looking hottie that he is, pulls out a bag that probably is 24 inches. BUT, by golly it has about a million zippers and pouches that he thinks he’s gonna cram all of our stuff into.  Uhm..., did I say "cram"? i mean perfectly measure and precisely fit into the appropriate compartments. AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH! shoot me now!!

I just stare at him.  No words, just the stare. (you know the one, the look that says, "homie dont play that!")

And then I get in bed(whichis INCREIBLY mature on my part)…and put a pillow over my head…so it is easily accessible when I smother him tonight. (less mature, but whatever.  maturity can be alot of work!)

My man: “Pen, Whaaat are you doing?” 
Me: (muffled by pillow) “going to bed.”
My man: “honey, you need to pack. Seriously, we are leaving early.  And, let’s just be honest …(...uhm, No, let's not! )…we both know you are not much of a morning person.”

 *note-"lets just be honest" is absolutely NEVER a good “pre“ statement.  Never!)

Me: “I’m going to bed; I can pack in the morning.” ( …like at 9, when I wake up growling at you! and hurling HONESTY between your eyes buddy!)
My man: (shoulder slump, BIG sigh, and the vein on the left side is starting to beat steady on his forehead as his jaw starts clenching)

Now let me tell you something…My man is touched, and not by an angel -if you know what I mean.  We have done this “vacation” dance a million times before, this is not new to us.  We have changed the steps at times, and in some cases the language (if you catch my drift,) but we are no amateurs at this dance.  And quite frankly, after 18 years we have stared vacations in the eye several times and dared them to ruin us.  It's never happend,  weve had some close calls, really close calls...But this one...well this one may finally be the one, and we haven’t even left yet…not good peeps, not good at all.

I need a solution. A fix. A way to bring this to a peaceful end. Something that shows the 18 years of maturity we have developed between us. 

So what’s a girl to do you say? Well, easy.  I resort to what all wise women who love their husbands would do… and I do the “throw the covers off and jump to my feet in one swift move” thing, and I start stacking clothes.  And not in neat little stacks either.  I have random stuff...capri’s, jeans, hair rollers (yeah you heard me, i use hair rollers!), t-shirts, a sweater, and a few other odds and ends.  I make a show of “getting my things together”, all while reviewing in my mind the criminal repercussions of “crimes of passion”…in my thoughts I move swiftly from one serial killer book to another that I’ve read over the years, and finally come to the conclusion that I’m just not strong enough to drag him out back AND dig a 10 foot hole tonight.  We are also out of bleach, and I just can’t stand the thought of a late night run to Wal-Mart. (Those people always get caught anyways! EVERY TIME...just a heads up on that one.) and honestly, I reason, it would really ruin #1’s homecoming.  

I am exhausted.  And now I’ve become somewhat criminal in my thinking. Great! This is just great!   

I finally give up, throaw a few more things in a pile, and I’m back in bed in a jiffy. I tell my man I’ll finish in the morning.  He nods his head and says,...are you ready...
“You know I’m really looking forward to spending time with you and getting away.” 
He’s serious.   Like, sentimental, looking all lovey serious.  im not going to fall for this...im not!
(listen closely - this is huge...)- there is something in the testosterone make-up that doesn’t pick up on subtle hints or death threats.  it's not healthy, and even more importantly -It’s just so weird to me!!-  Seriously, How can he not know WHAT IS UP!!  This goes back to my “touched” theory.  I just don’t get it. But it will be an absolute priority question when me and Jesus meet face to face…I can assure you of that! (Some people want to meet Moses.  Well that’s awesome, and I hope it works out for ya, but, me?, I want answers to this marriage thing!)

Anyhoo, moving on…In order to maintain my submissive wife role that I’m so good at (yeah, that’s right, you heard me!) I mumble out something in response like, “Yeah, me too…can’t wait…good night.”

Look, Tomorrow can only prove to be better than the “pre-vacation” night we have just had.  Seriously, right?!

I’m out, I’m tired, and quite frankly I’m a little weepy about leaving #2 home without me, even though I’m super excited about seeing #1! ...and I’m…well I’m just tired! I need sleep.  Rest is good, right?

One last thought…As I write this he is sleeping like a baby next to me.  Occasionally he loosens his grip on the extra pillow he’s holding at his side. (maybe he does read my mind?) I try and stay away from crazy thoughts, and instead try and dwell on WWJD? But the only stories coming to mind are the ones where He turned tables over, and rebuked people…sigh…I know I’m getting all my bible stories mixed up at this point because I decide to turn out the light and just stab him with my toe nail “by accident” in a passive aggressive move- I'm thinking all the while that maybe Jesus would do this?...no?...well let me just end the “pre” trip blog by reminding you that Jesus wasn’t married to my man, and there’s a big (like gigantic) difference between creating this amazing man and living with him.  Just sayin’! 

(my blood pressure is rising…I gotta a lot of questions for The Man upstairs one day…I swear I’m going to start writing them down..)But until then, I’m going to bed.  And Yes, I am saying my prayers…(hey, tomorrow is the beginning of a long “vacation,” I may be frustrated but I need some Jesus for sure!)

“Dear Lord, please keep the devil far, far away…really Lord, if you could just do that well,….that’s all Lord…”

ILY~

 Penny
 (one of the books i was thinking of reading...maybe not?)

P.S.

“and so the vacation begins….” Will be posted tomorrow! (but you know how i am with timing!)