a Psychic moment

Today has started a little more amazing than yesterday.which is pretty tough to beat since yesterday my maid was here. So, imagine my surprise when I opened my gmail to find this message awaiting me:

 ..."a psychic has been scheduled for you at 8:17...

Then there is this galaxy solar system type picture, followed by this statement: 

"Chris is the most awarded psychic by his peers" &  

"At some point we all need advice, guidance or assistance..."

People, I've never contacted a physicist, I mean psychic  in my life. (why does this keep auto correcting? and why couldn't Mr. Word Speller Guy have used the letter F instead of a PH? whatever.) But anyhoo...you can only imagine that I'm totally freaked out when my phone rings.
me: "Chris?" Silence.
me: "Hello?" Nothing.

Because, apparently Chris has seen my future and hung up on me.

And that's fine, because I know that Chris is not a psychic based on a few facts...(& yes people,  I've actually given this a moment or two of my time today.):

 #1: On any given day at 8:17 am I'm about as likely to be consulting with the dead as I am running a marathon.
So this is your first strike Chris, & seriously, let's get some things straight, you're sure not trying to hard to help me if we are starting at 8:17 in the morning. Come on!!! I don't even speak to the people who are alive in my own home, I'm sure as heck not chatting it up with dead people or random strangers.

 #2: exactly what kind of people is Chris hanging with, like who are these peers? I've had some pretty stellar moments among close friends and I'm not wearing any blue ribbons or medals.
So Chhhhriiisss (who communes with the dead and can tell my future...) Have you ever kept 4 children, all under the age of 12, who bemoan bathing and were involved in every.single.extra.curricular.activity there parents could get them in?...No? Okay, Well did you raise girls, and by girls I mean intensely hormonal teenagers, the kind that make you curl up in the fetal position or just completely flip out and loose your mind? No? Okay, well, here's an easy one for you Chris. have you made a homecoming mum, & years later your finger tips are still tender to touch because of all your glue gun burns? No...?
Then stop talking Chris, your awards are worthless to me and mine. Real moms don't need awards, we live with battle wounds, dark circles under our eyes & need I mention the fine lines that are settling further into our faces every.single.day.
Boom! Just STOP with your fancy peer awards already.

#3 Chris is correct, we all need advice, guidance and assistance, but he's a little late to this party. I spent 18 YEARS searching for a book on mothering girls and you know what I found? NOTHING! Not a darn thing. As a matter of fact after the first 14 years, I am pretty sure my #1 & #2 would tell you I became an amazing psychic because I could sniff out a bad story before they even walked in the door. (Friends, I'll gladly accept any and all awards for this!)

 So let's just end with this...there's clearly been an error among the cosmos because if you know me at all, you know that my idea of "psychic talk" is telling me that Target is having a sale tomorrow. (If you have this gift, run to your phone and contact me immediately)!
Seriously, that's some guidance I can live with and use!

& Chris, basically what I'm saying here is, You don't have a chance fortune telling to this kind of crazy. So, walk away brother, just walk away.

For my real friends, and all of the psychotic, I mean psychic mothers I run with, & by run, I mean hang out and crawl to the next cupcake, feel free to bring some sage advice on being mother of the year, its getting much more difficult to nab this award now that they've gone to college! 

 Until then, let's just keep it real~