Per your Birthday request...

Dear #1,

You've asked me to blog for some time now, but I've just not been able to post anything that wouldn't get me put in jail or an insane asylum...until now. (That said, IF something happens and they do take me away...please remember that daddy may make the money, but I make sure to spend it correctly-READ: I pick out, purchase and wrap all your birthday and Christmas gifts!...so make sure to bail me out!) Anyhoo..I pulled it together for your birthday. Kinda. Hey, cut me some slack, its been a rough 12 months!

Today, you are half my age. It is weird, and kinda scary. I remember the year I turned 20 very clearly. My 20th year was the hardest most difficult year ever. For me, 20 changed everything. When I was 20, I found out I was pregnant with you.{*Please DO NOT have this kind of year. It would be overdone, youd be a total copycat, and nobody likes a copycat. so really, like, do your own thing...with less fanfare and drama. Seriously. Okay? Thanks!}
 (*again I can.NOT.stress.enough: I'm so not cool, so don't repeat history!)
I'll move on now...So back to being pregnant with you... I did none of the things that the books tell you to do. As a matter of fact, I never read any pregnancy or parenting books at all. Im not sure I even knew there were books out there....& this explains a lot.
Note to your FUTURE self (WAY DOWN THE LINE 5+ YEARS OR MORE SELF): read the books, all of them, and then decide what works for you. It actually helps to know a little about what you are doing before it happens. regardless, when you were born,you were like total awesomeness. No one could wait to see you...and you, my #1, did not disappoint! You were perfect, teeny tiny, with huge blue eyes...which briefly traumatized me...because your dad & I both have dark brown eyes so I was afraid they had given me the wrong baby...(again, I stress: read the books.) but once I was certain you were ours...life was forever changed for the better. We took special measures to insure you were very well taken care of (I mean as good as two20 year old kids can take care of a baby, who havent read any books!) & very well loved . What this really means is that we took you to church within the first week (*totally disregard the books on this one!) because let me tell you; nobody knows more about newborn babies than church ladies. NOBODY! Except of course-the church ladies children:  Jaclyn and Tracy. They honestly thought you were their own personal doll. And in hindsight, we hold them fully responsible for your princess mentality. Our own family did not help this mentality one bit! They came to see you often, and Mops came twice a week to bathe you (I was too scared. You were like a slick little wormy thing!). She always made sure to style your hair in a baby mohawk & paint your toenails of course. You were so cool. You were pure joy...except at night because...
You.Never.Slept.
NEVER!
It made me crazy. It still makes me crazy. By the grace of God, your dad required minimum sleep and would hold you sitting upright for HOURS so we could all rest. It's my fondest memory of you as a baby, looking over and seeing your dad propped up with a pillow holding you on his chest. Sometimes when you and dad are sitting on the couch having one of your epic "discussions", I think of that time, and I realize that when he is saying the hard things, it's just dad holding you tightly to his
chest.
Note: Dads protect their daughters. You won't find this in any books, but remember this when you have children. It will help you to not intercede and to establish the healthy roles for your own family.
Oh and just so you know, you were born loving clothes.Naturally, you loved dresses and skirts and anything that sparkled.Your Nana has done absolutely nothing to help this, and has only furthered this obsession by allowing you to wear her tube top as a skirt when you were 4. (Please do not do this as you turn 20. Your father will have a heart attack. And I can't take the stress.) We've already paid dearly for this over the years as we fought with you about wearing LONGer skirts, shorts etc. Nonetheless, your love of clothes meant endless changes throughout the day...until we found this beauty. Gold lame' AND sequins...it was love at first sight...clearly, your face shows your stunned expression at being able to be "the princess" anytime you wanted...

 
It was at this point that I recognized that sucking it up and spending the big bucks on clothes would save me on laundry. It was a win/win. You wore this dress till it was ripped to shreds, literally.

You had such an infectious personality, and you still have it! When you are in the room, I always know. I can often feel you are here before I even see you. Its weird. Maybe it has something to do with me smelling you before you leave. Idk?! But when you show up, I know. Everyone knows. You really are like a "spider monkey high on mountaindew." It can be both entertaining and disturbing at the same time. Energetic doesn't begin to explain you. When you laugh, you light up the room...And often other rooms too, cause you're kinda loud! (Question: Why didn't you laugh instead of cry when you were a baby huh? I could have been much more tolerable of those sleepless nights if you'd been laughing. Just a thought.)
I want you to know a few things as you enter this decade of life. These are YOUR truths. Things that are tattooed on your heart.(*see...you already have a tattoo, there's absolutely no need to get
another!)
You were born a Somebody:
Everybody is looking to do something extraordinary, be noticed, or be set apart. But when you wake up each morning, and look in the mirror, remember: you already ARE somebody. Our family has a bad history with choosing the wrong way to be set apart. Just go with the flow, and be you. It's safer. And we love safe! Right?!!...besides, what's so extraordinary about someone attempting to do something that sets them apart? Nothing. It's the daily grind, and how you live in the mundane that sets you apart in real life. Anybody can capture a great moment...but you, You make your aim to capture life. Be awesome everyday.

That's extraordinary.

You don't have grey areas:
People will tell you there are lots of grey areas in life. But they are liars. You know when you get that weird feeling in your stomach and at the same time your mind is saying, "I don't know about this...?"...well let me help you out here...whatever "it" is, it's wrong. "It's" not grey. "It's" not okay. "It's" an absolute no-go! There's a little known word,"convictarrhea" that best describes this
feeling

CONVICTARRHEA (def.):-conviction + diarrhea = wrong. Im sure the dictionary says a lot more about this, but I wont bore you with the details. You get it. 

and lest you think you can talk yourself out of this feeling...its never going to work. I started praying this "feeling" into your soul many years ago, so don't even try and shake it.  Its your. Own it. You can thank me later Oh, and trust me: Just Say no, and walk away. When you do, immediate calm will follow and you will have the clarity to see it was black/white....never grey! (If it's a really tough situation, See the note before this for back up.)

You don't give up:
Giving up is always an option...For everybody else. We on the other hand, are not quitters. This isn't some high pressure "go get 'em girl" morale booster. This is our truth. Let me explain: it's in your blood, your DNA, to crave stability and yet at the same time to rebel. This can work for you, or against you. Bad habits or the yuk things you "just try" today, become lifelong struggles that you can't just Quit...they linger, and they stick. What you thought was just a phase, or a temporary thing, becomes a lifelong habit. On the other hand, the good stuff you try like going to church, working out, oh,and skinny jeans...they stick too. You cant shake 'em. So choose wisely.

(Note: skinny jeans will last forever, I have a pair that's been good to me for over 20 years. tapered leg and all...I was soooo stinkin' cool at one point that I bought a pair of skinny sweats. Eat your heart our.  oh, wait, You know these ones, the grey ones, the ones yall tried to throw away? yep. I found them.) Enough said!

I started this note telling you how hard 20 was for me. But 20 was also the year that God brought me a girl..."who put the color inside of my world." (shout out to John Mayer! You so nailed it with this line!!) You brought life, to my young, beat up 20 year old heart. You restored my hope that God makes beautiful things, and that we can count on Him to repair and rebuild the broken places.
You made 20 beautiful.
But, please, I beg you...for.the.love.of.all.things.sacred....don't be a copy cat. Do your own thing.

Be somebody. Be you. With your infectious, loud personality; all sparkly in your cute, new clothes; mindful of your dads protection; aware of the black and white, all the while knowing full well you are not a quitter!

i love you mucho...
Happy birthday #1,
 xoxo~ momma

PS. please try and get some sleep!

Separation anxiety...

Separation anxiety…

Day 3: evening….(because the days have stretched into moment by moment around here…)

I return from work to find Ariel has…drum roll please…EATEN, yes, you heard me, EATEN the tray she lays on in her cage.  People… it’s freakin’ metal.  How the heck do you eat through metal?  That ain’t right. 
Crazy dog, because ”Ariel” no longer does her justice,  has also ripped up the rug I bought for her cage. When I say ripped up I mean literally it’s like someone took scissors to it and shred it in to tiny pieces.  I can’t fathom how she did this.  I am so distressed I forget to take a picture.  Her chew toys lay undisturbed.  I feel as if she is flipping me off.  Can a dog give you the finger?  We are in a show down for sure.  As I look over to see what mayhem Lilly has done, she just stares at me, and flips her head and walks away.  (she hates me…10 years, and she hates me!) She refuses to take part in this mischief; she won’t even look at me. I find myself feeling guilty for leaving her with this wild beast all day. I am cracking up-like in a crazy girl kinda way. This is not good.

It’s impossible to determine at this point what else she could possibly do damage to.  We have resorted to pig ears, bones, old towels, new towels, chew toys, you name it…whatever works we have tried.  We are desperate to try and keep this dog from chewing up anything else.  I have friends that are dropping by “chew resistant dog toys” and laughing as they leave me with this beast.  At work, I’m anxious as I think about what destruction is being caused in my home.  I feel as though I have a newborn baby again, I wake up every hour to make sure she is still lying at the foot of my bed. I’m sleep deprived, I’m bitter, and quite frankly I’m fearful of this metal eating, laundry loving beast.  How come you never get a dog that fold laundry? Why do they eat it?

Day 4: She hates me.

As I go to open the laundry room door after work, I realize that I can’t get in. I try and give a little push and it’s like, NOT budging.  I go out back to peek through the window and I see that this complete freak-of-nature has flipped her cage upside down, and wedged herself while still locked in her cage, up against the laundry room door!…SHE IS IN THE CAGE. IT IS LOCKED. What the heck??...she has also figured out ( & I still can’t figure this out?) how to get my ironing board cover (which is hanging up high on the back of the door) and done her favorite trick…ripped it to shreds. Awesome.  I’m like not getting it…why eat a starchy ironing board when I bought you those luscious pig ears? You chose a laptop cord over “pup-corn”, and how about those yummy bacon flavored bones I bought?  Not tasty enough for you…ohhhh, I get it… you want metal? Starch? Cotton? I can’t stand this beast. 

I’ve had it, and I don’t care what it cost, I pull out the big guns, and I call “the local dog whisperer”. She states that my man has picked an, “especially anxious dog…” (You think? Kill me now.) “She is most likely suffering from deep longing for companionship and severe separation anxiety...”  

Let me tell you who else is about to be suffering from severe separation anxiety!!  Is this a joke? Am I being captured on candid camera?

...the next words I hear are, “…$600, and the 2nd dog is only ½ price…” I can no longer feel my toes, and my hands are slightly numb…so I just drop the phone and find the bottle opener.  I haven’t figured out how I’m going to bust Houdini out of the laundry room yet, but I can’t worry about that.  I’m losing my mind.  I am so over this dog I can’t stand it!  But instead, I refrain from any words or long term emotional damage to my family and go to my happy place…but I search and search and can’t find it…still looking for it…nope.nothing…It’s gone.  There is no happy place with this beast living here. My peeps know I am near the edge they are saying calming words like, ”chocolate. Garlic bread. Homemade cinnamon rolls...” but sadly, this dog depression has taken all the joy out of those things.

 I live in doggie depression. It is lonely here people. How would you feel if you were raising a metal eating, laundry shredding, laptop cord chewing, separation anxiety suffering devil dog? 

You would feel sad. Which would build to bitter. And then finally exhaustion.
I’m in my own personal prison.
Today I am thankful for...separation anxiety.  Because I am certain that it is the reason I keep coming home every night. Otherwise, I would just run away…far, far away….

Keeping you thankful,

~penny