~Christmas Night~
While opening gifts this morning, i was in a fantasy world in my mind. (don't get all excited...it was only due to sleep deprivation/exhaustion) I was literally taking down the stockings and unwrapping lights off my tree in my head. (its sick, i know.) My girls were like all giggly and spastic and unwrapping and squealing over gifts, and I was totally enjoying it, I was. Really. But randomly I was also enjoying reaching over and pulling an ornament or 2 off the tree when no-one was looking. (dont shake your head at me...you thought of it too...i just acted on it!!)
I feel a wee bit guilty. Just a wee bit. teeny amount. not even measurable. But look, in all fairness, I feel like i have been decorating for Christmas forEVER!! It hasn't been that long, but i have been doing it for 3 months. Sadly, just not my own home. Mainly other clients homes. (which is my real job after all...) and one which i loooovvvveeee! the only problem is that when it came time for my own, i was fresh out of creativity...and inspiration...and motivation. sigh. (note to self: decorate my house FIRST next year...like in October!) anyways...moving along...
All my peeps got many things they love today -and last night of course. I currently have 2 teen girls that are walking around in pj's and cowboy boots, wait!...5 minutes pass and they enter in a new robe, with a new outfit underneath, cowboy boots AND fun jewelry. hold up!...as I make a final pass through the living room to find my bed, i find them curled up in a ball on the couch sleeping, in...yep, you guessed it - Cowboy boots, jewelry, robe, new outfit (good to see those pricey jeans on their bodies!!), and random bath and body products in their clutches. So funny! makes me teary. a little weepy. and then sleepy...BUT i must say, i love this about kids! You always know if they love what they got because they just put it on right then and there. Doesn't matter what else is going on, or what time of day, or what they already had on...if they love it, they put it on, or put it together. period. it's like official love. And its beauty for a mothers tired heart.
It is also joy to my heart when i see my niece literally squeal with delight over 5 pairs of "cute" panties and an outfit!, or my nephew whisper to his mom with a sly smile..."did you see that BIG gift...it has my name on it!"...and then watch as he puts it together! but the all time favorite gift of the night...well...just keep reading...
My brother. There is no-one like him. Really. He is notorious for last minute shopping. He's just kind of notorious in general if we're being honest. And we are...Like real honest around here!!
...Yesterday (Christmas Eve) at noon he called to ask what my girls would like for Christmas?
Me: uhm, you know we are doing Christmas in 3 hours right?
J: oh, yeah...phew, man i thought it was starting right now! Thank goodness!
Man wouldn't that be nice for all of us Mothers? Can you imagine? Gift time in 3 hours and you just started! LOL!...so anyways, i gave him a few ideas...clearly time was on his side (who knew?) He finally shows up later with his gifts (gift cards-figures!) and we begin the festivities! After all the gifts are opened, the ladies were watching the rain fall and chatting and my niece comes flying out the door and says...
"OMG!! Guess what Uncle J just gave us for Christmas? He gave us all $100 gift cards to Chick-fil-a!! I cant believe it, this is the best gift ever."
Me and my sisters all look at each other, like what? then start talking over each other (we do that. its normal in my family. expected.) "no way." "well, maybe." "well, he would be the one to do something that random."
"no?" "yes." "uh-uh, i don't know."
And then ..."Let me see the card."- this from my oldest sister, shes a smart one. always showing off!
we open the card and sure enough it says in his writing $100, so she pulls out the receipt and reads aloud "$10!!" we all laugh. and were like wow that was funny. but my niece, well she's not so humored, her shoulders are slumped, curious look on her face (angry little elf look)...turns and walks back to my bro.
She's back in 2 minutes with an update...(she had a silly smirk on her face! (side note: she's adorable! i love her!)
"Uncle J said he was just trying to teach us a lesson...you know what the lesson was?- that money doesn't buy happiness."
We all busted out laughing... because clearly, had you been in that room when 5 cousins all thought they received $100 GC's - you would have thought..."money may not buy happiness, but a gc to Chick-fil-a for $100 obviously bought a feeling so close, you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference!"
I have a plaque in my kitchen that one of my artsy peeps(love her!) made me that says..."money can't by happiness, but it can buy marshmallows which is kinda the same thing!"
it sits by the coffee pot...next to the picture of my twin niece/nephew screaming as infants...its how i say good morning to myself everyday: Smile. Scream. Coffee.
Hey, everybody has their own morning routine. just sayin'...
xoxo~
P
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas to me!
~12/22/10~
So it starts like this...it's Wednesday, December 22, i have big plans for this day. I need to get A LOT done, but also need rest...
Big plans to sleep in-FAIL. wake up at 6:30 and my mind is already racing with the things i need to do...no more sleep for me, oh well, move on. Sleep is over rated anyways.
Quick trip to doctor with#1-Major FAIL! it takes almost 3 hours! crazy! (in the end i am embarrassed because i find out a child has had a seizure, therefore the delay. guilt :/...
Wrap-up Christmas shopping-EPIC FAIL!!...soo much left to do, buy, wrap....sigh.
Make a delicious homemade dinner-ok, this is a "kinda" fail...I mean does Manwich and Kraft Mac n cheese count? my #2 loves it! no? really? C'mon now, have a heart!
So I'm shopping at Hobby Lobby, after a stinking 2.5 hour doctor appointment, this lady rounds the corner and starts commenting on what i am looking at...which is the clearance of the clearance section of course. This is how it goes...
CL: (crazy lady) Great deals huh? (she has this over the top lilt to her voice, like this is beyond the norm of excitement...annoying. it's clearance lady, chill....she looks familiar...hmmm.)
Me: uh huh...(in my head I'm trying to remember why i came to Hobby Lobby...nothing..blank. not good)
CL: You live around here? from the area?
Me: yes, i do. (i went with emphatic! thinking that would get her to back off...)
CL: Well, listen, I'm out today just looking for women like yourself who would be interested in leadership positions that are not only profitable financially, but also profitable for your personal goals. its an opportunity to really create your own happiness.(really? selling make-up? i doooo remember you!!) Allowing YOU to take charge of your life.....(tune her out...walking away...i knew she was familiar...this has happened to me at walmart 3 weeks ago.)
Me: I'm not interested. (continue to walk)
CL: (following me...she is literally racing after me and following me....!! I cannot believe it!! )Well, wait, could i get your name and your phone number or email and contact you next week? I rea....
Me: NO! ( a wee bit softer...not much, but a wee bit!) No! No,you cant...and for what its worth you've accosted me before in Walmart asking me the same questions and soliciting me while I'm shopping. I don't know if i look like someone with a bunch pf personal goals, and a desire to be wealthy, but if so...looks are deceiving! (now, i was on a roll...i thought you want to talk lady, I'll talk!!) Mary Kay cannot possibly help me give my teens integrity, better self worth, or solid identity - as a matter of fact, it promotes the things I'm constantly fighting against-Appearances! and as far as money goes, you should know that I have lived on less than 19k a year, and made upwards of 200k and everything in between... none has done much for my personal happiness. You want to see me personally happy - Cure cancer! Find a cure for addictions that have wrecked personal friends and family members, and show me a good tasting bread with no fat or calories. I'm not trying to be rude, but PLEASE...take a good look at me, and remember this face...I do NOT want to be a part of your business venture. Thanks, and Merry Christmas.
CL: OK, (smiling...She is crazy, I'm sure of it!!) well if you change your mind, here's my card. (really!? good grief!!)
I'm no rocket scientist, but you would think she would have just run away. incredible. i wish i had that kind of tenacity sometimes. but i don't. I guess the flip side is, I'm not completely annoying people! (shhh..no comments here! keep your snide remarks to yourself!!)
The good new is 2 days later (Christmas eve) i literally ran in to her as i turned the corner at Ross...(who's shopping at Ross if they are sooooo financially happy? huh?) and she looked me right in the eye, and smiled and said..."Hi, would you...oh, never mind, i remember you ...." and walked off!
i hate when relationships "don't work" in my life. but this, this is entirely different. This is pure joy that i have consciously "failed" a relationship!
Merry Christmas to me!!!!
I am mighty...
xoxo
Pen
So it starts like this...it's Wednesday, December 22, i have big plans for this day. I need to get A LOT done, but also need rest...
Big plans to sleep in-FAIL. wake up at 6:30 and my mind is already racing with the things i need to do...no more sleep for me, oh well, move on. Sleep is over rated anyways.
Quick trip to doctor with#1-Major FAIL! it takes almost 3 hours! crazy! (in the end i am embarrassed because i find out a child has had a seizure, therefore the delay. guilt :/...
Wrap-up Christmas shopping-EPIC FAIL!!...soo much left to do, buy, wrap....sigh.
Make a delicious homemade dinner-ok, this is a "kinda" fail...I mean does Manwich and Kraft Mac n cheese count? my #2 loves it! no? really? C'mon now, have a heart!
So I'm shopping at Hobby Lobby, after a stinking 2.5 hour doctor appointment, this lady rounds the corner and starts commenting on what i am looking at...which is the clearance of the clearance section of course. This is how it goes...
CL: (crazy lady) Great deals huh? (she has this over the top lilt to her voice, like this is beyond the norm of excitement...annoying. it's clearance lady, chill....she looks familiar...hmmm.)
Me: uh huh...(in my head I'm trying to remember why i came to Hobby Lobby...nothing..blank. not good)
CL: You live around here? from the area?
Me: yes, i do. (i went with emphatic! thinking that would get her to back off...)
CL: Well, listen, I'm out today just looking for women like yourself who would be interested in leadership positions that are not only profitable financially, but also profitable for your personal goals. its an opportunity to really create your own happiness.(really? selling make-up? i doooo remember you!!) Allowing YOU to take charge of your life.....(tune her out...walking away...i knew she was familiar...this has happened to me at walmart 3 weeks ago.)
Me: I'm not interested. (continue to walk)
CL: (following me...she is literally racing after me and following me....!! I cannot believe it!! )Well, wait, could i get your name and your phone number or email and contact you next week? I rea....
Me: NO! ( a wee bit softer...not much, but a wee bit!) No! No,you cant...and for what its worth you've accosted me before in Walmart asking me the same questions and soliciting me while I'm shopping. I don't know if i look like someone with a bunch pf personal goals, and a desire to be wealthy, but if so...looks are deceiving! (now, i was on a roll...i thought you want to talk lady, I'll talk!!) Mary Kay cannot possibly help me give my teens integrity, better self worth, or solid identity - as a matter of fact, it promotes the things I'm constantly fighting against-Appearances! and as far as money goes, you should know that I have lived on less than 19k a year, and made upwards of 200k and everything in between... none has done much for my personal happiness. You want to see me personally happy - Cure cancer! Find a cure for addictions that have wrecked personal friends and family members, and show me a good tasting bread with no fat or calories. I'm not trying to be rude, but PLEASE...take a good look at me, and remember this face...I do NOT want to be a part of your business venture. Thanks, and Merry Christmas.
CL: OK, (smiling...She is crazy, I'm sure of it!!) well if you change your mind, here's my card. (really!? good grief!!)
I'm no rocket scientist, but you would think she would have just run away. incredible. i wish i had that kind of tenacity sometimes. but i don't. I guess the flip side is, I'm not completely annoying people! (shhh..no comments here! keep your snide remarks to yourself!!)
The good new is 2 days later (Christmas eve) i literally ran in to her as i turned the corner at Ross...(who's shopping at Ross if they are sooooo financially happy? huh?) and she looked me right in the eye, and smiled and said..."Hi, would you...oh, never mind, i remember you ...." and walked off!
i hate when relationships "don't work" in my life. but this, this is entirely different. This is pure joy that i have consciously "failed" a relationship!
Merry Christmas to me!!!!
I am mighty...
xoxo
Pen
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Behind the scenes look of graduating in 6 weeks!
Sunday PM...Late PM...You don't even want to know...
ok, so here's what no-one ever tells you...you're cruising through life, and things are going swell. Sure there are some hiccups along the way, but nothing that stops you dead in your tracks. (for the record, not a lot would stop me anyways...) then all of a sudden you get slammed in the back by a teenager who's decide to "change her life course" mid stream. She looks at you like this is sooo normal ("why are you so freaked out mom?"). You glance back at her and think, "so this is why animals eat their young." makes perfect sense to me now, never could understand it when i watched the filmstrip in science...It's crystal clear to me today. If you don't understand this or think it sounds harsh....call me when you have teenagers. Well talk. Ill forgive you for judging me prematurely. you can weep, throw things, or just scream. I'll get it. but let me back up a little....
6 weeks ago on a normal night, while i was laying next to my normal husband, in my normal bed, #1 walks in and says, "i think i want to graduate early!" problem 1: she acts like this is totally normal lingo to spout off at 1:00 am on a sunday night. problem #2: it's 1:00 am.
I'm like totally in tune with her (like all mothers of teens girls) and tell her to go to bed, she's tired, and acting delusional. my normal husband rolls over and says, "why? whats going on?"
I'm like, really? we are humoring her and having this discussion now? really? so i (being the mature adult i am) roll over and put the pillow over my head.
the problem is, even though i really cant hear all that well, i can hear EVERY STINGING WORD she says. "I want out, im going 1/2 day as it is. I don't see the point. I'm feeling like I'm going to make bad choices. I feel pulled. I have enough credits. I can do it. I know I can. why not?"
i push the pillow harder against my ears. and for the record, in this moment- i think she smells like bacon...i love bacon. im hungry.
husband continues the line of questioning (notice ive taken the "normal" away, because obviously he's not normal if he's seriously considering this option!) and wraps it up with, :#1, why don't you research it, and get all the questions answered and then me and your mom will discuss it." she dances out of the room with a "thanks dad!, I will!" i pull off the pillow enough to mutter to husband, "im NOT talking to you about this. EVER." i proceed to do the "harsh roll over, line up the pillows down the bed, don't touch me move." (don't EVEN act like you don't know what this is!!!) im overflowing maturity here, i know. i cant help it. its natural.
husband gently lifts the pillow off my head and whispers, "lets see what she does and then we'll talk. I love you...even if you're mad." I do what you would expect and pop off with a weak..."i don't love you today. and I'm not TALKING to you!" (shameful. but necessary? i thought so too.)
by the next morning i am holding 10 sheets of paper about early graduation, my first cup of coffee, and the phone all while husband is asking me to make some calls and "at least walk through the door, and see what they say. I'm not crazy about this either, but she did the research and I think we need to at least make the effort." i could eat him too. he's lost a lot of weight and i truly think i could take him in a wrestling match pound for pound at the very least. (my maturity level is at an all time high here!)
after 2 days of full out tears, begging, pleading my points and reasons, and offering my best negotiating skills with husband, we settle on the reality that we need to do this life change. im a hater. cold. weak. i go with angry first, get nowhere and then go in for the kill and bring tears...nothing, he's not even biting.
I offer things like: "i wanted better for her!", "what will people think?," "its her senior year, its supposed to be fun!," "How hard can it be?,"this is not the way its supposed to go!"
husband offered, "better than what? Whats really the BEST we can give her?" Who cares what people thing?", "how many kids were making GOOD choices your senior year Penny? is that the "fun" we want for her?", "It can be hard, especially when you are telling your parents I NEED OUT!" who wrote the book on how it's supposed to be?" he's good. he's been thinking. not good for me.
I hate when men offer reason for emotion. fact for feelings. truth for lies we believe. I secretly just want my way. the right way...apparently not in the cards for me.
we make the change. its painful. im hurting. my precious girlfriends are listening to my pathetic story, and doing what all good girlfriends do - listen, cry at the right times, offer up soothing words like, "no he did not!, i can't believe it! i am so sorry!" but then they gently slip in those wisdom offerings like, "maybe you need to let go, and trust him and Him?" (whatever!?) "Now im not saying your wrong (that would break the girlfriend code!!) but maybe he has a point?"(i cut her from the christmas card list temporarily)..."maybe...(this one stung a little...i was secretly mad at her for a few days -but need her friendship and honesty to desperately to stay there! dang it!)...maybe it is your issue? maybe you are worried about what other people think? do ya think that could be at the core of this?" i told her i needed to go. but that she was entirely wrong. Way off. of course i didn't care what people thought! WHATEVER!! rude.
true.
painfully true.
shamefully, the realization was...i would have sold out my #1 for appearances in the moment. Why do we do this? Why do we care? How did i get back to this place? I pride myself on being an open book, and not needing approval from others. this could not be happening to me. but it was. disgust. yuk!
God has a funny (and im not laughing yet!) way of stripping us down to our core issues doesn't He? Just when you think you licked it, it comes back to bite you in the butt! good grief. Will we ever mature? Do we ever outgrow these bad habits, and old baggage? *sigh*
We do. I know we do. I've lived to throw out some crap luggage and some garbage bags of waste, and seen the other side...i just like to get close to the stench every now and then for some peculiar reason. I think its because its sneaky (especially this acceptance/approval thing) no one sets out to get it, it just feels so good when it happens that you forget that the giver of all good things is not the one standing in front of you saying, "you're great!" or "good job!" the giver, The GIVER is patiently standing at your side walking you through every heart wrenching step, knowing that because you belong to Him, you will come back, you will realize the emptiness of verbal accolades, silly awards, and pats on the back, and you will turn sideways and see Him. And then, if you are anything like me, you will burst into tears and say..."have mercy on me and redeem me again!...yes, its me...again...." and just as faithful as always He will.
again.
and again.
*Footnote*
For the record, i could still eat my young. i don't know if i would do it limb by limb or just devour them whole...i haven't worked that out yet. I have decided not to eat the husband. After all, he is the voice of reason and truth (often) and he's put up with a lot of emotional girls for the last 18 years...BUT, and i just need to get this off my chest...while i got the house ready for the graduation party (yes, she did it! Thank you Lord!) he took a nap, and then spent about 3 hours fixing some burnt out christmas lights that i could have cared less about. Seriously now? what is wrong with him?
~xoxo~
Motherhood is not for sissies..its really not. But I am strong. I am mighty. I will own this!
Pen
The graduate...
ok, so here's what no-one ever tells you...you're cruising through life, and things are going swell. Sure there are some hiccups along the way, but nothing that stops you dead in your tracks. (for the record, not a lot would stop me anyways...) then all of a sudden you get slammed in the back by a teenager who's decide to "change her life course" mid stream. She looks at you like this is sooo normal ("why are you so freaked out mom?"). You glance back at her and think, "so this is why animals eat their young." makes perfect sense to me now, never could understand it when i watched the filmstrip in science...It's crystal clear to me today. If you don't understand this or think it sounds harsh....call me when you have teenagers. Well talk. Ill forgive you for judging me prematurely. you can weep, throw things, or just scream. I'll get it. but let me back up a little....
6 weeks ago on a normal night, while i was laying next to my normal husband, in my normal bed, #1 walks in and says, "i think i want to graduate early!" problem 1: she acts like this is totally normal lingo to spout off at 1:00 am on a sunday night. problem #2: it's 1:00 am.
I'm like totally in tune with her (like all mothers of teens girls) and tell her to go to bed, she's tired, and acting delusional. my normal husband rolls over and says, "why? whats going on?"
I'm like, really? we are humoring her and having this discussion now? really? so i (being the mature adult i am) roll over and put the pillow over my head.
the problem is, even though i really cant hear all that well, i can hear EVERY STINGING WORD she says. "I want out, im going 1/2 day as it is. I don't see the point. I'm feeling like I'm going to make bad choices. I feel pulled. I have enough credits. I can do it. I know I can. why not?"
i push the pillow harder against my ears. and for the record, in this moment- i think she smells like bacon...i love bacon. im hungry.
husband continues the line of questioning (notice ive taken the "normal" away, because obviously he's not normal if he's seriously considering this option!) and wraps it up with, :#1, why don't you research it, and get all the questions answered and then me and your mom will discuss it." she dances out of the room with a "thanks dad!, I will!" i pull off the pillow enough to mutter to husband, "im NOT talking to you about this. EVER." i proceed to do the "harsh roll over, line up the pillows down the bed, don't touch me move." (don't EVEN act like you don't know what this is!!!) im overflowing maturity here, i know. i cant help it. its natural.
husband gently lifts the pillow off my head and whispers, "lets see what she does and then we'll talk. I love you...even if you're mad." I do what you would expect and pop off with a weak..."i don't love you today. and I'm not TALKING to you!" (shameful. but necessary? i thought so too.)
by the next morning i am holding 10 sheets of paper about early graduation, my first cup of coffee, and the phone all while husband is asking me to make some calls and "at least walk through the door, and see what they say. I'm not crazy about this either, but she did the research and I think we need to at least make the effort." i could eat him too. he's lost a lot of weight and i truly think i could take him in a wrestling match pound for pound at the very least. (my maturity level is at an all time high here!)
after 2 days of full out tears, begging, pleading my points and reasons, and offering my best negotiating skills with husband, we settle on the reality that we need to do this life change. im a hater. cold. weak. i go with angry first, get nowhere and then go in for the kill and bring tears...nothing, he's not even biting.
I offer things like: "i wanted better for her!", "what will people think?," "its her senior year, its supposed to be fun!," "How hard can it be?,"this is not the way its supposed to go!"
husband offered, "better than what? Whats really the BEST we can give her?" Who cares what people thing?", "how many kids were making GOOD choices your senior year Penny? is that the "fun" we want for her?", "It can be hard, especially when you are telling your parents I NEED OUT!" who wrote the book on how it's supposed to be?" he's good. he's been thinking. not good for me.
I hate when men offer reason for emotion. fact for feelings. truth for lies we believe. I secretly just want my way. the right way...apparently not in the cards for me.
we make the change. its painful. im hurting. my precious girlfriends are listening to my pathetic story, and doing what all good girlfriends do - listen, cry at the right times, offer up soothing words like, "no he did not!, i can't believe it! i am so sorry!" but then they gently slip in those wisdom offerings like, "maybe you need to let go, and trust him and Him?" (whatever!?) "Now im not saying your wrong (that would break the girlfriend code!!) but maybe he has a point?"(i cut her from the christmas card list temporarily)..."maybe...(this one stung a little...i was secretly mad at her for a few days -but need her friendship and honesty to desperately to stay there! dang it!)...maybe it is your issue? maybe you are worried about what other people think? do ya think that could be at the core of this?" i told her i needed to go. but that she was entirely wrong. Way off. of course i didn't care what people thought! WHATEVER!! rude.
true.
painfully true.
shamefully, the realization was...i would have sold out my #1 for appearances in the moment. Why do we do this? Why do we care? How did i get back to this place? I pride myself on being an open book, and not needing approval from others. this could not be happening to me. but it was. disgust. yuk!
God has a funny (and im not laughing yet!) way of stripping us down to our core issues doesn't He? Just when you think you licked it, it comes back to bite you in the butt! good grief. Will we ever mature? Do we ever outgrow these bad habits, and old baggage? *sigh*
We do. I know we do. I've lived to throw out some crap luggage and some garbage bags of waste, and seen the other side...i just like to get close to the stench every now and then for some peculiar reason. I think its because its sneaky (especially this acceptance/approval thing) no one sets out to get it, it just feels so good when it happens that you forget that the giver of all good things is not the one standing in front of you saying, "you're great!" or "good job!" the giver, The GIVER is patiently standing at your side walking you through every heart wrenching step, knowing that because you belong to Him, you will come back, you will realize the emptiness of verbal accolades, silly awards, and pats on the back, and you will turn sideways and see Him. And then, if you are anything like me, you will burst into tears and say..."have mercy on me and redeem me again!...yes, its me...again...." and just as faithful as always He will.
again.
and again.
*Footnote*
For the record, i could still eat my young. i don't know if i would do it limb by limb or just devour them whole...i haven't worked that out yet. I have decided not to eat the husband. After all, he is the voice of reason and truth (often) and he's put up with a lot of emotional girls for the last 18 years...BUT, and i just need to get this off my chest...while i got the house ready for the graduation party (yes, she did it! Thank you Lord!) he took a nap, and then spent about 3 hours fixing some burnt out christmas lights that i could have cared less about. Seriously now? what is wrong with him?
~xoxo~
Motherhood is not for sissies..its really not. But I am strong. I am mighty. I will own this!
Pen
The graduate...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I made a promise...AUGH!!!!
ok, so I made a promise after i "blogged" on facebook (about keeping my friends kiddos for a week), that I would start blogging. I don't know WHAT I WAS THINKING!! Never make promises when you are having a "week with an extra 4 kids" hangover. ;) Bad choices are made in this frame of mind!!
None the less, I am a woman of my word...kinda. It's taken me a while, and I've been all kinds of frustrated trying to figure this all out (still don't have a clue how this really works?!), but in honor of my commitment, and a promise to my husband, I am going to attempt to start writing more and sharing it with you...hold back your excitement... i know it's hard, but try. :)
Here's the deal...(cause there's always a deal!) & yes, I'm pointing my finger as i say this...
xoxo~
Pen
P.S.
I did put up a couple of the posts from facebook from way back when...if i ever figure out HOW i did that i will add the others...
None the less, I am a woman of my word...kinda. It's taken me a while, and I've been all kinds of frustrated trying to figure this all out (still don't have a clue how this really works?!), but in honor of my commitment, and a promise to my husband, I am going to attempt to start writing more and sharing it with you...hold back your excitement... i know it's hard, but try. :)
Here's the deal...(cause there's always a deal!) & yes, I'm pointing my finger as i say this...
- I cant do this everyday like i did before...like i said i was in a state of foolishness with 4 kids, and my mind was mush to say the least! but i will try and do this as often as I can...no promises...I've learned my lesson on that!
- I cant always be funny or witty...life is hard, sometimes i gotta be able to write that kinda stuff too!
- My grammar stinks, i cant help it, i type the way i talk...if its frustrating, get over it or offer your editing skills at 2:00 am when i write...:/
xoxo~
Pen
P.S.
I did put up a couple of the posts from facebook from way back when...if i ever figure out HOW i did that i will add the others...
Give...A LOT!
I haven’t written a lot lately, but fear not…I‘ve still had a lot of words. :) Mostly I keep them in my head where they belong, but sometimes I speak them out loud …which can be very, very good, and...very, very bad! In the last 2 weeks, there are 2 specific incidences that come to mind that I have rewritten/said over and over, to where if I were to do it all again - it would be a much more concise expression of my feelings and my thoughts. Really, it would be!! Unfortunately – we don’t often get “re-do’s” in life. Stinks!! We don’t get a lot of things, and I’m reminded of it every day!! Whether it’s the messages blaring from our media sources, the communities we live in, the places we shop, or the things we are told we deserve. If I listen to this “message” to long I am overwhelmed and could quickly grab my keys and drive off into the sunset…quite frankly, sometimes I could do this anyways! I am a mother of girls after all! :)
I’m tired. I’m a wee bit weary. I feel skeptical more than I care to admit-and way more often that I would like! After an overwhelming 2 years, I sat down at 2:30 in the morning and started pouring through some old journals, pathetic notes, (wow! what a baby i can be!) and embarrassingly humbling thoughts I’ve had. (Sadly this was an attempt to clean out my desk and “stuff”), but alas, I failed at that and my ADD mind has led me, to remind you, (im sure you're thrilled!) that maybe like me, you sometimes feel like we don’t “get” a lot or we are missing out on something more, whatever that looks like!
But let me tell you what we do get
• Options to say, “I’m sorry, really I am.”
& people that say, “it’s ok, I still love you just the same” (and mean it!)…
• Time to reflect on what could have been, what should have been, and what will be done different ~
& time to recognize that even though we think we’d change it all…sometimes things happen for a reason, a season, or for no conceivable rationale at all. They just happen and we roll with it, and trust God with it…
• Loads of grace, ceaseless mercy,(my Wednesday morning group just nodded their heads emphatically!!) and overwhelming forgiveness…anyone?
& the opportunity to give back as much as you have been given in each of these areas…
• The mind to accept what is being said…and yet the heart to feel what isn’t…
• The invaluable gift of understanding what it is to love your child, and recognize that it’s only a infinitesimal amount of the way God loves us, …and ours…
We get loads of joy- the kind of joy that brings tears to your eyes – joy that says, “I cannot believe it!!” or that leaves you with sore cheeks from laughing so hard you thought you’d wet your pants…or maybe you did? T.M.I.!!...We get soul deepening heartaches – the ones that leave you wondering “why?” at first glimpse, but later leave you with the peace to know that in God’s mercy He has willed it and/or allowed it…because He loves you so much…(so hard when you are here…so, so hard…). We get timeless mental “clips” of memories we’ve observed from our kitchen tables while our kids giggled and laughed at silly things, things you cant even remember today- but that your mind cannot erase the smile, or the look, on their face...or from our sofa as our husbands held our broken hearted child with a tenderness you didn’t know, or believe, he could have ever mustered (who can love a girl through heart wrenching bad choices like a loving father? tear.)…We get beautiful, awe inspiring moments where we see things that no-one else will ever see, or get – even if you tried to explain it to them…(and Lord knows i've tried before!!)
We get friendships… life changing friendships. The ones that span broken hearts, hurt feelings, potty training kids, +/- 50 pounds, bad habits, broken marriages,100’s or even 1000’s of miles, late lunches, later phone calls, failed attempts at change, surgeries, months with no contact , rebellious teens, instant “home” in one word, husbands who fail, sick kids, exhausted, frazzled, hysterical “I suck at this” moments, winning moments, character attacks, pj’s at 3 in the afternoon, dirty homes, tears for no apparent reason, and even overwhelming schedules …friendships that lasts…regardless. No if’s, and’s, or but’s…
We get a lot. We really do. It’s just not measurable by dollars and cents, or even pictures and scrapbooks. I can’t sell you what I possess – you have to get your own. I can’t even tell you how to get it…but I can tell you this:
You will never buy it, it’s just your gift. When you get it – you know. Sometimes you are overwhelmed by how much you get, and other times you wonder if you are just failing miserably at being a human being…but we all have a lot. Too much really. And definitely more than we can stand to hang on to selfishly. The crazy part of it is this – if you don’t give some of it, it turns sour, and eventually terminates on itself. I mean how many friendships can you have if you don’t offer friendship to others? How do you know the depth of someone’s heart, if you never share your own? Can you take a mental memory with you if you never observe what’s around you? I think not!
Give.
But save your money…offer something life changing instead…you. Just be you. It’s plenty!
thinking to much...too late...,
~Penny
I’m tired. I’m a wee bit weary. I feel skeptical more than I care to admit-and way more often that I would like! After an overwhelming 2 years, I sat down at 2:30 in the morning and started pouring through some old journals, pathetic notes, (wow! what a baby i can be!) and embarrassingly humbling thoughts I’ve had. (Sadly this was an attempt to clean out my desk and “stuff”), but alas, I failed at that and my ADD mind has led me, to remind you, (im sure you're thrilled!) that maybe like me, you sometimes feel like we don’t “get” a lot or we are missing out on something more, whatever that looks like!
But let me tell you what we do get
• Options to say, “I’m sorry, really I am.”
& people that say, “it’s ok, I still love you just the same” (and mean it!)…
• Time to reflect on what could have been, what should have been, and what will be done different ~
& time to recognize that even though we think we’d change it all…sometimes things happen for a reason, a season, or for no conceivable rationale at all. They just happen and we roll with it, and trust God with it…
• Loads of grace, ceaseless mercy,(my Wednesday morning group just nodded their heads emphatically!!) and overwhelming forgiveness…anyone?
& the opportunity to give back as much as you have been given in each of these areas…
• The mind to accept what is being said…and yet the heart to feel what isn’t…
• The invaluable gift of understanding what it is to love your child, and recognize that it’s only a infinitesimal amount of the way God loves us, …and ours…
We get loads of joy- the kind of joy that brings tears to your eyes – joy that says, “I cannot believe it!!” or that leaves you with sore cheeks from laughing so hard you thought you’d wet your pants…or maybe you did? T.M.I.!!...We get soul deepening heartaches – the ones that leave you wondering “why?” at first glimpse, but later leave you with the peace to know that in God’s mercy He has willed it and/or allowed it…because He loves you so much…(so hard when you are here…so, so hard…). We get timeless mental “clips” of memories we’ve observed from our kitchen tables while our kids giggled and laughed at silly things, things you cant even remember today- but that your mind cannot erase the smile, or the look, on their face...or from our sofa as our husbands held our broken hearted child with a tenderness you didn’t know, or believe, he could have ever mustered (who can love a girl through heart wrenching bad choices like a loving father? tear.)…We get beautiful, awe inspiring moments where we see things that no-one else will ever see, or get – even if you tried to explain it to them…(and Lord knows i've tried before!!)
We get friendships… life changing friendships. The ones that span broken hearts, hurt feelings, potty training kids, +/- 50 pounds, bad habits, broken marriages,100’s or even 1000’s of miles, late lunches, later phone calls, failed attempts at change, surgeries, months with no contact , rebellious teens, instant “home” in one word, husbands who fail, sick kids, exhausted, frazzled, hysterical “I suck at this” moments, winning moments, character attacks, pj’s at 3 in the afternoon, dirty homes, tears for no apparent reason, and even overwhelming schedules …friendships that lasts…regardless. No if’s, and’s, or but’s…
We get a lot. We really do. It’s just not measurable by dollars and cents, or even pictures and scrapbooks. I can’t sell you what I possess – you have to get your own. I can’t even tell you how to get it…but I can tell you this:
You will never buy it, it’s just your gift. When you get it – you know. Sometimes you are overwhelmed by how much you get, and other times you wonder if you are just failing miserably at being a human being…but we all have a lot. Too much really. And definitely more than we can stand to hang on to selfishly. The crazy part of it is this – if you don’t give some of it, it turns sour, and eventually terminates on itself. I mean how many friendships can you have if you don’t offer friendship to others? How do you know the depth of someone’s heart, if you never share your own? Can you take a mental memory with you if you never observe what’s around you? I think not!
Give.
But save your money…offer something life changing instead…you. Just be you. It’s plenty!
thinking to much...too late...,
~Penny
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