1 – People travel differently. The right way, like me for example. And the wrong way – like my man.
2- My man is better at most things, practically everything(!!), but he is not good at making hotel reservations or iphones.
3- Know your co-pilot: Some people like to talk, some people like to listen. Some people like to sleep. (You should know these things BEFORE you depart on a cross country driving trip. Especially if you (generally speaking of course) have a lot of words or are a female. Oh yeah, and especially when you forget to bring the latest People magazine. Just saying’
But seriously, for your future family trips (let’s not get crazy and call them vacations! Who are we kidding my fellow mothers?)Let me address each of these:
#1
I travel, hmmm….how shall I spin this…on the fly. I’m a “plan as you go” kind of girl. Spontaneous, but with vision. I’m not always sure how it will all work out, but it will work out. And quite frankly, it will be fun...If you’re spontaneous. And cool. Like me...OK, and it helps to be open tooooooo,… well…you know just open to all the possibilities that life has to offer!…( don’t you just feel the freedom as you read this? You do don’t ya? See, that’s what I’m saying!)
On the other hand If you are a planner (read: booorrrring), like the hottie I travel with, my fun loving, free spirited way is not so fun. You like to know when we are stopping, how long it will take us to get there. ETA’s for major cities AND…this is very important…that you will be eating at meals times.- Or within reasonable time frames of meal times. And not just eating, but E-A-T-I-N-G the major food groups in correct quantities and NOT at fast food restaurants.
So, suffice it to say that when I offered my man Hot Tamales, Peanut M&M’s, and a delicious last sip of my hot coke (see, I can share!) at about 9 pm in some barren part of the country between Texas and Colorado , he was not charmed. Or satisfied. Or happy. He was hungry. And kinda grouchy.
He needed food. I was like, “Listen, you under estimate this sacrifice I am offering you, Hot Tamales are made to make you feel full. Couple that with a few peanut m&m’s (heeellloo, its protein AND dairy!)and you will be thanking me for not wasting our money (I figured this would totally get him) on another meal on the road!”
He cleared his throat and said very concisely, “PULL.OVER.WE .ARE. EATING.”
Me: but, if you’ll just consider….
Hottie: BABE, NOT ANOTHER WORD. PULL OVER. Pen, I’m not playing around here!
Have I told you how good the pizza is in Trinidad, Colorado? You should try it sometime. Saved my marriage…and quite possibly my life.
*There is truth to the statement that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…I just so wish it was through his ears though!, I have so many reasons, words, and explanations to offer him… I could quite possibly change his life. Just sayin’…
#2
So, while I was driving home on the last leg of the “who takes their first born 1800 miles away in the coldest time of the year” trip. B asked the random question, “So, where did you make our reservation for tonight?”
Me: “hmmm….you mean we really aren’t driving straight through?”
*PAUSE*
(Side note: My guy, he does this weird thing with his temple when he’s getting frustrated or thinking. It’s this “heartbeat–vein-popping-on-the-side-of-his-head” thing. Hard to explain. You just have to see it for yourself. I’ll try for a picture next time if I can. (No promises on that! Cause i'll have to be super tricky!) The thing is, it’s hard to tell sometimes which way he’s going…you’re like, “is he thinking?” or “is he frustrated?” and this is one of those times… but only till he opens his mouth…because man, when he open his mouth, it’s pretty clear right away he was thinking about how frustrated he was…)
*PLAY*
I just wanna say here that though I’m thinking to myself, “buddy, lighten up! take a load off! Relax…well get there when we get there!” but, I choose wisely and say nothing. (very hard for me.very.) But-I’m smart like that! Know when to hold ‘em, …ya know what I’m sayin’!
He’s all, “Babe, (he says that only in pure affection or deep frustration. Tricky…this guy.)You are crazy, we will not be home till 6 in the morning if we drive straight through, and then we will be completely exhausted…blah, blah, blah…” dream crusher. No zest or spunk this guy. Where’s your sense of adventure? Huh? I have Yelped us dinner at a fabulous place you have consumed your appropriate food groups. (And done so with great gratitude to me I may add…) so after a divine meal like that my brother, 600 miles is like a walk in the park…we can do it!! PLEASE!!!
Come on! Get me home to #2. I need my baby, I’m in "smell shock" here…(read: when a mother desperately need to sniff out her kids for their scent...if you don’t get this, you are NOT a mother. Period. Can’t explain it. And- NO, I will not respond to questions regarding this matter.)
So he takes my iphone and proceeds to try and make reservations for a night at some derelict Hampton Inn that probably has bed bugs. I’m not bitter. I’m not. Ok, maybe a little. Ok, fine. I’m bitter. Don’t judge me. That’s so rude.
He started the task at hand by going to the website on my iPhone, AND calling from his blackberry. Apparently, this hottie I love,…and chose 18 years ago (hard to believe!)…is going to double down on the Hampton Inn people and by gosh, get us a room! (weird…boys are just so so weird!) so, anyhoo, we were in New Mexico…every time he would get a call through it would drop while he was on hold (generally after about 5 minutes..) then 3x as he was making the reservation on the iPhone, just as he would hit the “make reservation” button he would accidentally hit the wrong key and open a new web browser. It was awesome. I just smiled and laughed. He would grunt. I would giggle quietly. Throw out a, “you want me to do it?” in that “cause you know I can…” tone. LADIES..., i don't want to brag, but really it was AWESOME. A crowning victory for women everywhere! …shameful? Whatever!
I would try and talk him through how to do it, or offer to let him drive and I would do it, and he was like total testosterone, “NO! I can do this.” (he can’t stand that I know how to do this better than him! LOOOOVE IT! this is truly such a rareity that i know ANYTHING better than him.) So I’m quiet- in a giggly, wee, tiny bit smug, kind of way - as he struggles, grunts, vein in head throbbing out of control, his way through the reservation for a hotel on 2 phones process…(too funny!)
As we are entering Amarillo over 2 hours later, I hear, “crap!”
“What?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What happened? Just tell me, I’ll walk you through it…”…(I’m so LOOOOVING this!!!)
“You can’t blog about it.” (ok side note- the irnoy here is that HE was the one who made me promise to do this blogging thing that i dont really get...my whole reason for not wanting to do it was -what would i write about that anyone would want to read?...dude, bad news for you...!)
“Weirdo?!(I would never do that…hmmm, until you made me think of it just now…) Ok, seriously, just tell me…what’s wrong? I’ll help you, seriously..” (Look, I’m giving this all I’ve got here…really trying for compassionate and sweet. It’s a stretch right now. I’m totally mustering up my“what would Jesus do?” attitude in my mind…see, I really am trying….)
Loooong pause…he’s weighing the options…. throb, throb, throb…And then: “I don’t know what happened but everything just changed to Japanese on your iPhone.”
I was laughing so hard I had tears! Even he started laughing. It was bad. Like, I had to pull over because I couldn’t see I was laughing/crying so hard…. I almost wet my pants. As I raced into the gas station, I’m sure people thought I was nuts…but, I mean how can it take you 2+ hours to book a hotel room, wait… to TRY and book a hotel room and somehow you switch the whole system to a foreign language? My hottie-my precious man... God love him, WORKS in technology…this is what he does!!! He supports our family by knowing technology!! I couldn’t help myself but had to ask, “so why Japanese?”
“not another word pen!”
Ahhhh…this was awesome. Just a truly, awesome moment for me. And if he is honest, he will tell you that he was just as hysterical as I was.
Within 20 minutes of having the phone back I had booked a room, cancelled it (cause we decided to stay at another location) re-booked another room and I had gotten us a discount…Did I mention that I was also able to speak with a live person, dialing the same number he had been dialing, for those 2+ hours? Priceless. Crowning moment in my world. Shameful, but true.
Ok, moving on…
#3
When we left for this trip I packed in about 10 minutes. I had some jeans, sweat pants. Shoes. And a cheesy little jacket that would have been good in 50 degree weather in Houston, Texas. I forgot the important things…People Magazine, books, Southern Living, Heavy down parka, more than 1 pair of PJ’s, more than 1 sweatshirt, REAL SIMPLE Magazine…I refused to buy them (why do I do this?) because I already had them at home. I was being frugal. Or stupid. Jury’s still out on this one.
When my man drove, I talked, you know, like had conversation…asked questions, commented, listened, commented, etc. Never once did I sleep. NOT ONCE. Nada. Zero. Zip. No sleep for me. Nope! I’m a trooper, a, “committed to the driver” kind of girl.
However, I did give up after a few failed attempts at conversation and listened to my ipod. To which he would respond, “so, I guess were done talking?” uhm, yeah, when you’re silent for more than 3 minutes, I assume you’re done. What? Are you new here? Don’t play games with me…we haven’t been silent in this home for 18 years. We are a house full of girls with words…yeah, ok…3 minutes is your kind way of saying “I’m out!” and that follow up question is your way of being able to say later, “hey, I was willing…” I know the rules. Boooooyaaaa!
Pheeeew!! glad to get that off my chest!...crazy, but just had to vent a little...
But anyways…back to my point…I had no “entertainment” with me. And though I love my iphone…I really wanted a book, magazine or something mindless. I listen to a lot of Matt Chandler, John Piper, and other stuff…but there is nothing mindless about those. I was also very sad…and grieving and praying a lot for my #1, for me, for my #2, for my man, and then back to me…but I needed some words here people!! Like, some emotion, some feelings, some estrogen…sigh….WORDS!!!
So, when we would switch and when I drove here’s how it went...
Immediate road work, speed falls to 55 or less. My man makes a comment like, “wow, well that stinks for you.” 2 minutes later, pillow over the head, chair reclined, and he’s out. Oh, yeah, and of course this is always at the wee hours, when my peeps are asleep, and after I’ve totally depleted my podcast selections. Nice. It happened…
Every time.
Within moments of the switch.
Every time!
I’m NOT bitter. I’M NOT. (ok, a little)
FINAL NOTE:
I will say in his defense, as I drove the final miles of 290 from College Station into Cypress, I started bawling like a baby. When he FINALLY woke up (in like Fairfield or something…good grief!), he reached over, patted my arm and said, “you ok?”
Me: shake head, tears pouring…
My man: “babe, it’s ok to cry…I’m glad you’re crying( arm pat)…it’s normal…she’s gonna be fine(rubs my arm)…God’s got her. He does…” pat, rub…squeeze(I’m thinking like, I love this, I do, I’m amazed at this man…like he found a wee bit of estrogen in his latest nap…so tender…tear!) “You want to pull over (this last 2.3 miles) and i'll drive?
Me: no, it’s fine
My man: You want to talk?
Me: no, I’m done now, I don’t want to be crying when we get home.
My man: What are you thinking that made you start crying?
Me: That it’s going to cost me $129 to replace my CHI, and I really, really, liked that one.
I am mighty…I am strong...i can do this…
xoxo~
Pen
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