I love Red Sunglasses...

The greatest thrill of keeping other peoples kids is that you find out all the real stuff, the down and dirty truth, and then you get to live on it for months. or blog about it.

Its a beautiful thing. 

When my friend asked, "hey, would you be able to watch my kids for a week" this seemed like no big thing. Heck, this will be a breeze, its only 2 little girls, 3rd grade (Aka: Lil K ) & 5th grade(aka: Big K). Psshhh....How hard can it be?

This is like a free pass at Mother of the Year, a re-do, lets face it: I'm practically a professional.

So, yesterday, when I picked them up from school, the youngest won my heart when she said,

"Ms. Penny, you are looking really hot for a 41 year old mom!"

Lil K just took 2 years off my life (literally) and escalated to the top of my favorites list. Hot? Who even says that? I asked her what made her say that, and without missing a beat she said,

"I was just thinking we might get an Icee at Bucees if I was sweet. (long pause) But I really do like your red sunglasses!! Red sunglasses make older people, like you, look hot!"

And just like that, she breaks me down. Apparently, I have been reduced to a hot older person, and even that is on the condition that I wear my red sunglasses.

Lessons for all here:

Children: You want to aim high in these moments. I would have gone for far bigger and better things than an Icee. I would also have left off the "older person" thing, it makes us older people consider tripping you on the way in to get your Icee. Life is filled with choices, you don't want to mess this one up.
Mamas: red sunglasses, $12.99, at your local target...they are indestructible and most likely will be out of stock once you realize the "hotness" that will ooze out of you. of course being an older person, people may just think its a hot flash, so there's that.

In another moment of greatness with these girls, I had this deeply moving conversation:

K & K: "Ms. Penny, do you know why we picked you to stay with while our parents are gone?"
Me: "I can't imagine, why?"
Lil K: "Don't be mad, okay?"
(this is NEVER a good statement.)
Me: "Listen up, I can't make that promise. I'm very sensitive."
(us old people are like that ya know)
Big K: "Ok, we wanted to stay with you because you can be kinda cool...
(you're darn right I am)
Lil K: "Yeah, like your RED sunglasses!!" (Buttering me up for the fall...)
Big K: "and cause your kinda a rule breaker mom" (the crushing fall)
Lil K: "but in good ways..."(lessened the pain, but still a fall)
Me: "a rule breaker? I'm not a rule breaker"
Big K: "Yes you are!, but you just break the dumb rules like bed time & too much candy, you know those kind! But we like it!" (And I like you...more and more every second!)
Lil K: "yeah! We do!"

Me: "huh..(I'm totally playing it cool here) so I'm curious how did your parents feel about that?" (Because if I'm going down, I may need some ammo)

Big K: "they tried to tell us maybe we should stay with some other people and friends, but we were like, No! We want to have fun too!" (A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!)

And BOOM! That my friends is the way you get a weeks worth of pretty much anything you want from me. Let's face it: I'm kinda hot in my red sunglasses, and I'm a "good kind" of rule breaker. So yeah, go ahead -be jealous. Is there any combination you'd rather be as old person? This is such a no brainer.

 

I will admit, I have been a total party animal these past few days. I mean homework/schnomework, it's whateva?! Ain't nobody got time for that, Sheesh!! So, I did what only a hot older mom could do and I agreed to throw caution to the wind and canceled all scheduled activities.  I know, I know, their mama will be so proud of the influence I have had!  But seriously, Piano lessons? Girl Scouts? Praise Team?...who has time for any of that when we have only a week to be rule breakers. 

We are in it to win it. So everyday we hit our checklist:
Swimming after school, check!
Staying up late, check!
Eating sour patch straws and drinking Dr. Pepper - you know it!
People, we have had donuts, EVERY morning, oh yes we did.
We ate on TV trays and watched Annie  no less than 5x's...(I can dance every number and recite all lines on demand).
Yes, we have been to the height of rule breaking. And I feel their mother can only affirm that these were the best possible choices considering the pressure that I had on my shoulders. After all, we slave in this together, right?
 

Lesson for all:

Mamas: TRADE DOWN! Get a child younger than yours, grab your red sunglasses and feel the hotness just pour over you...I'm not even kidding, it's totally working, I didn't even apply night cream tonight! I'm getting my second shot at mothering girls and it's going so awesome. I highly recommend just trading your child for another child.  Why have we never thought of this? You need to be that friend who ruins someone else's child by being a "Red sunglasses wearing, kinda cool, rule breaking, totally hot mama" (I got rid of the "older" part, its just a downer) 

This is your dream come true. You are a winner. Go for the gusto!

Children: I hate to lament on this, but that "older" part has really got to go. It cuts. It cuts deep and it can come back to haunt you. Let's just agree to let that part go. 

And look, you'll want to think long and hard about the words you use to describe this person that you want to stay with. Words like "hot", "cool", are good, "rule breaker"...well that one makes parents nervous and you'll get stuck with Aunt Edna whose mean and doesn't drive or have cable. 

We may or may not have been late to school almost everyday. (we were hungry, and we needed donuts!) We may have forgotten to feed the turtle, (look, I am doing the best I can. But in prep for the worst, I'm loading up a shoebox and shovel and totally ready to give an epic tribute to the turtle on the off chance he starved to death. Prayers appreciated!)

 

Before I go vomit up my sour punch straws up & pass out from exhaustion, let me pass along a lovely gem I was given tonight at an hour after bedtime:

Apparently, it's ok to lay around in your nightie and panties and watch tv, but when you go to get in bed...Girrlll, you need to put your "lounging shorts" on to sleep. (Huh?)

Me: "Why am I putting on lounging shorts? I'm confused."

Lil K: "Don't be confused, it's just what we do...Ok? And seriously,  you need to do that too! It's cool you'd look cool in lounging shorts Ms. Penny!"
Me: "but, I'm already cool you said so earlier!" 
Big K:  "Lil K, stop! It's just too much for her. You're giving her WAY too many things to do!"
(She is the voice of wisdom, even if it cut me just a little)

Peeps, if you need me, I'll be the one looking for my lounging shorts & wearing my big red sunglasses. It's hell looking hot, but someone has to do it.

All for the love of another mother,

~Penny

Saturday was a long day. A great day, as I got to see both of my chicks, but a long one.
My man and I are feeling our age. We're getting old. The most we said to each other on the way home was,
"it's your turn to drive."
"No, I can't see that good at night."
"Too bad, suck it up. You're driving."
We're all peace and love, flowers and butterflies around here. The usual. It's just how we roll.
We're just too old and tired to even really have a good fight. Tonight.
Tomorrow, watch out, we are coming back with a bang! But tonight, we're down for the count.

I awake on Sunday after a much needed long, super-enhanced service with Pillowtop Pentacostal, (totally amazing service, I must say!)...to a text that I had missed while I was in my coma church service.)
The first thing I notice is the time the text came in...’cause I'm a mom...and for some reason the mom trait amps up a few notches when you get that late night text or call. Something intuitive kicks in to your feeble mom brain and says..."Yo, the time. What time was it?! You need to know the time!!"
< Side note to future moms: timing is everything, and after years of teenage drama, this mama has learned the trick is when and where they say they are, were, & will be.
But this never happened to me. I only read about it and counseled others on rebellious teens. My girls never EVER tried to pull a fast one on me. Ever. Yeah, I'm lying. Go ahead, Judge me- but remember: your day is coming. Watch your back people, watch your back!>
So back to the text...that came in at freakin 3:04 a.m.
Really? Does this never end?!
I'm all instant diarrhea and freak out because that's become my go to action and emotion in times of crisis,happiness,anger...well, pretty much any emotion really. <I warn you: your day will come.>
The picture that follows the text is so gross, I won't post it...but it's captioned: "Mommy, this just happened!!!"
She's smiling in the photo. She is #2. She is totally responsible. Yet, she is sending me a picture of a bloody mess on her leg at 3:04 am.
(As of this moment, she is down to receiving only 2 gifts at Christmas, and those are totally up for grabs at this point.)

Me (9:17am): omigosh, what happened?! How?! You need to get hydrogen peroxide on that immediately. Then polysporin... (cause I'm freaking out over here and I was with you til 10 last night, Seriously, what-the-heck?)
#2 at (9:50 am): I fell out of a tree and hit a chair on the way down. So horrible. It's bad.
Me: can we face time?
#2: no, I'm late and need to get ready for church.

I feel it’s important to once again note the time. A 33 minute delay in her response...cause why? Well, she's sleeping of course! After all she’s tired. The crisis has passed and she's all, “leave me alone while I get my beauty rest.”

While I’m over here all diarrhea and stress.

And really moms, like how do you reply to that text? Here are a few thoughts that may or may not have run through my mind:

"Cut the crap, call me STAT!" see...this feels too harsh!?, I mean, I don't want to be that crazy, freaky, mom… I'm trying to bring my image of normal/calm/cool mom back.

 

So maybe I go with:

"Don't even bring God into this...I need answers, explanations, and Immodium AD."

Its just too over the top! And I just hate to name drop in a crisis, it seems so braggish...even though I feel like God would totally have had my back on this one.

I end up saying "Uhm, okay, please call me/face time me after church. I'm  super worried."...(like, for your ever-loving life child!)

So, at 7:42 pm... SEVEN FORTY TWO P.M….help me here. That aint even right...
I get this:
"Still bleeding, but better."

Oh, okay. Good. Cause you know I've been over here all smiles and calm, cause I'm a cool mom...not a regular mom...ya know just trying to improve my image and all. (and having massive internal stomach pains and on-demand diarrhea, oh, and acting strangely odd for the last 8 flippin hours as I pace around all 1000 sq ft of this joint wondering if I should get in my car and track you down like a serial killer or just stay home and self-medicate! Yeah, I’m all good. And, yes, I’m totally handling this separation thing well too...)
"#2, send a pic please!"
Too which I gasp as I stare at the pic...

"I think you need stitches! seriously."
"Boooo! No mama, NO!...stitches hurt."
I go for the jugular..."scars are bad, and scare people away! You may lose your leg! it looks serious."  & I follow up with: "face time me STAT!!!" (Not too cool, but people, I'm over it!)

She finally complies, and we face time...the wound is bad. It’s still bleeding. It’s also like a divot out of her leg...and yes, I'm practically a doctor, seriously. I've watched a few (or every season) episodes of ER, Gray’s Anatomy etc. so I'm totally proficient in medical things. And this is serious. Though evidently, just not serious enough to make verbal human contact with your mom til all the urgent care centers are closed.

#2 is now down to 1 lonely Christmas gift.
I'm sorry, it must be done. We all have consequences.
Do not feel sorry for her. Don't.

We finally get around to the whole, why were you in a tree at 3:00 am question…
"Duh, We can't have boys in our dorm past 2, and We can't go to any parties or we could be blacklisted from getting into a sorority."
Me: (cause evidently I'm an idiot) "Soooooo....someone had the bright idea to climb a tree?? I don't get it?!"
Silence.

Because this can't be understood by a 40-something mom who wasn't there at the time...because...well, just because. Period.
Whatever. I can’t even handle.

She's getting coal in her stocking this year and maybe thorns.

Today,only because the thought of figuring out how to get to classes with blood seeping down her leg was finally unbearable, (and quite frankly disgusting!) she finally made it to the school clinic.
Diagnosis from doctor (as they too are trying to wrap their mind around this story...but hey they are college doc’s so they give up and say):

“Here's what you need to do:
Antibiotic
No stitches ...because she waited TOO LONG!! & they fear they will trap bacteria in the wound and cause infection at this point.
Crutches for 3 weeks.
Tetanus shot. (Which, they may as well have taken her leg by the reaction she called me with. poor clinic doc! I feel for that woman, I do.)
Oh, And one other small thing. We are sending you over to see the orthopedic doc. (Who naturally had no availability on a Monday when tree climbing over the weekend was at an all-time high!)...so go ahead and bypass him and go straight to the ER.  

(What?!)
Yeah, I took this all really calmly...while hangin out in the toilet at my local HEB.
It's hard being cool. But someone has to do it.

I'll wrap this up:
The great news is, ER determined that nothing is broken, and she needs to heal by staying on crutches, keeping pressure off of it, and take antibiotics. They cleaned it well. Wrapped it up and she even got a handicap parking pass for 3 weeks.
She's debating the whole crutches part...too hard, too cumbersome, they hurt my arms..

In the words of your father: "Suck.it.up!"
besides,this is easy, I reply:

Stay out of trees at 3:00 am!! How hard is this, my friends? How hard is this?

Reporting live from the trenches (& the toilet) your fellow comrade in arms,

P
Motherhood is not for sissies...not even when they are in college

 

 

(ironically #2 gave this to me...& now you know why!)

PS: #2, thank you for the 5lb weight loss in the last 36 hours. As a small token of my appreciation, I will consider 1 small gift for you at Christmas.