Family "vacations"...

There are things you should know before you go on a family vacation…


1 – People travel differently. The right way, like me for example. And the wrong way – like my man.

2- My man is better at most things, practically everything(!!), but he is not good at making hotel reservations or iphones.

3- Know your co-pilot: Some people like to talk, some people like to listen. Some people like to sleep. (You should know these things BEFORE you depart on a cross country driving trip. Especially if you (generally speaking of course) have a lot of words or are a female. Oh yeah, and especially when you forget to bring the latest People magazine. Just saying’

But seriously, for your future family trips (let’s not get crazy and call them vacations! Who are we kidding my fellow mothers?)Let me address each of these:

#1

I travel, hmmm….how shall I spin this…on the fly. I’m a “plan as you go” kind of girl. Spontaneous, but with vision. I’m not always sure how it will all work out, but it will work out. And quite frankly, it will be fun...If you’re spontaneous. And cool. Like me...OK, and it helps to be open tooooooo,… well…you know just open to all the possibilities that life has to offer!…( don’t you just feel the freedom as you read this? You do don’t ya? See, that’s what I’m saying!)

On the other hand If you are a planner (read: booorrrring), like the hottie I travel with, my fun loving, free spirited way is not so fun. You like to know when we are stopping, how long it will take us to get there. ETA’s for major cities AND…this is very important…that you will be eating at meals times.- Or within reasonable time frames of meal times. And not just eating, but E-A-T-I-N-G the major food groups in correct quantities and NOT at fast food restaurants.

So, suffice it to say that when I offered my man Hot Tamales, Peanut M&M’s, and a delicious last sip of my hot coke (see, I can share!) at about 9 pm in some barren part of the country between Texas and Colorado , he was not charmed. Or satisfied. Or happy. He was hungry. And kinda grouchy.

He needed food. I was like, “Listen, you under estimate this sacrifice I am offering you, Hot Tamales are made to make you feel full. Couple that with a few peanut m&m’s (heeellloo, its protein AND dairy!)and you will be thanking me for not wasting our money (I figured this would totally get him) on another meal on the road!”

He cleared his throat and said very concisely, “PULL.OVER.WE .ARE. EATING.”

Me: but, if you’ll just consider….

Hottie: BABE, NOT ANOTHER WORD. PULL OVER. Pen, I’m not playing around here!

Have I told you how good the pizza is in Trinidad, Colorado? You should try it sometime. Saved my marriage…and quite possibly my life.

*There is truth to the statement that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…I just so wish it was through his ears though!, I have so many reasons, words, and explanations to offer him… I could quite possibly change his life. Just sayin’…

#2

So, while I was driving home on the last leg of the “who takes their first born 1800 miles away in the coldest time of the year” trip. B asked the random question, “So, where did you make our reservation for tonight?”

Me: “hmmm….you mean we really aren’t driving straight through?”

*PAUSE*

(Side note: My guy, he does this weird thing with his temple when he’s getting frustrated or thinking. It’s this “heartbeat–vein-popping-on-the-side-of-his-head” thing. Hard to explain. You just have to see it for yourself. I’ll try for a picture next time if I can. (No promises on that! Cause i'll have to be super tricky!) The thing is, it’s hard to tell sometimes which way he’s going…you’re like, “is he thinking?” or “is he frustrated?” and this is one of those times… but only till he opens his mouth…because man, when he open his mouth, it’s pretty clear right away he was thinking about how frustrated he was…)

*PLAY*

I just wanna say here that though I’m thinking to myself, “buddy, lighten up! take a load off! Relax…well get there when we get there!” but, I choose wisely and say nothing. (very hard for me.very.) But-I’m smart like that! Know when to hold ‘em, …ya know what I’m sayin’!

He’s all, “Babe, (he says that only in pure affection or deep frustration. Tricky…this guy.)You are crazy, we will not be home till 6 in the morning if we drive straight through, and then we will be completely exhausted…blah, blah, blah…” dream crusher. No zest or spunk this guy. Where’s your sense of adventure? Huh? I have Yelped us dinner at a fabulous place you have consumed your appropriate food groups. (And done so with great gratitude to me I may add…) so after a divine meal like that my brother, 600 miles is like a walk in the park…we can do it!! PLEASE!!!
Come on! Get me home to #2. I need my baby, I’m in "smell shock" here…(read: when a mother desperately need to sniff out her kids for their scent...if you don’t get this, you are NOT a mother. Period. Can’t explain it. And- NO, I will not respond to questions regarding this matter.)

So he takes my iphone and proceeds to try and make reservations for a night at some derelict Hampton Inn that probably has bed bugs. I’m not bitter. I’m not. Ok, maybe a little. Ok, fine. I’m bitter. Don’t judge me. That’s so rude.

He started the task at hand by going to the website on my iPhone, AND calling from his blackberry. Apparently, this hottie I love,…and chose 18 years ago (hard to believe!)…is going to double down on the Hampton Inn people and by gosh, get us a room! (weird…boys are just so so weird!) so, anyhoo, we were in New Mexico…every time he would get a call through it would drop while he was on hold (generally after about 5 minutes..) then 3x as he was making the reservation on the iPhone, just as he would hit the “make reservation” button he would accidentally hit the wrong key and open a new web browser. It was awesome. I just smiled and laughed. He would grunt. I would giggle quietly. Throw out a, “you want me to do it?” in that “cause you know I can…” tone. LADIES..., i don't want to brag, but really it was AWESOME. A crowning victory for women everywhere! …shameful? Whatever!

I would try and talk him through how to do it, or offer to let him drive and I would do it, and he was like total testosterone, “NO! I can do this.” (he can’t stand that I know how to do this better than him! LOOOOVE IT! this is truly such a rareity that i know ANYTHING better than him.) So I’m quiet- in a giggly, wee, tiny bit smug, kind of way - as he struggles, grunts, vein in head throbbing out of control, his way through the reservation for a hotel on 2 phones process…(too funny!)

As we are entering Amarillo over 2 hours later, I hear, “crap!”

“What?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“What happened? Just tell me, I’ll walk you through it…”…(I’m so LOOOOVING this!!!)

“You can’t blog about it.” (ok side note- the irnoy here is that HE was the one who made me promise to do this blogging thing that i dont really get...my whole reason for not wanting to do it was -what would i write about that anyone would want to read?...dude, bad news for you...!)

“Weirdo?!(I would never do that…hmmm, until you made me think of it just now…) Ok, seriously, just tell me…what’s wrong? I’ll help you, seriously..” (Look, I’m giving this all I’ve got here…really trying for compassionate and sweet. It’s a stretch right now. I’m totally mustering up my“what would Jesus do?” attitude in my mind…see, I really am trying….)

Loooong pause…he’s weighing the options…. throb, throb, throb…And then: “I don’t know what happened but everything just changed to Japanese on your iPhone.”

I was laughing so hard I had tears! Even he started laughing. It was bad. Like, I had to pull over because I couldn’t see I was laughing/crying so hard…. I almost wet my pants. As I raced into the gas station, I’m sure people thought I was nuts…but, I mean how can it take you 2+ hours to book a hotel room, wait… to TRY and book a hotel room and somehow you switch the whole system to a foreign language? My hottie-my precious man... God love him, WORKS in technology…this is what he does!!! He supports our family by knowing technology!! I couldn’t help myself but had to ask, “so why Japanese?”

“not another word pen!”

Ahhhh…this was awesome. Just a truly, awesome moment for me. And if he is honest, he will tell you that he was just as hysterical as I was.

Within 20 minutes of having the phone back I had booked a room, cancelled it (cause we decided to stay at another location) re-booked another room and I had gotten us a discount…Did I mention that I was also able to speak with a live person, dialing the same number he had been dialing, for those 2+ hours? Priceless. Crowning moment in my world. Shameful, but true.

Ok, moving on…

#3

When we left for this trip I packed in about 10 minutes. I had some jeans, sweat pants. Shoes. And a cheesy little jacket that would have been good in 50 degree weather in Houston, Texas. I forgot the important things…People Magazine, books, Southern Living, Heavy down parka, more than 1 pair of PJ’s, more than 1 sweatshirt, REAL SIMPLE Magazine…I refused to buy them (why do I do this?) because I already had them at home. I was being frugal. Or stupid. Jury’s still out on this one.

When my man drove, I talked, you know, like had conversation…asked questions, commented, listened, commented, etc. Never once did I sleep. NOT ONCE. Nada. Zero. Zip. No sleep for me. Nope! I’m a trooper, a, “committed to the driver” kind of girl.

However, I did give up after a few failed attempts at conversation and listened to my ipod. To which he would respond, “so, I guess were done talking?” uhm, yeah, when you’re silent for more than 3 minutes, I assume you’re done. What? Are you new here? Don’t play games with me…we haven’t been silent in this home for 18 years. We are a house full of girls with words…yeah, ok…3 minutes is your kind way of saying “I’m out!” and that follow up question is your way of being able to say later, “hey, I was willing…” I know the rules. Boooooyaaaa!

Pheeeew!! glad to get that off my chest!...crazy, but just had to vent a little...

But anyways…back to my point…I had no “entertainment” with me. And though I love my iphone…I really wanted a book, magazine or something mindless. I listen to a lot of Matt Chandler, John Piper, and other stuff…but there is nothing mindless about those. I was also very sad…and grieving and praying a lot for my #1, for me, for my #2, for my man, and then back to me…but I needed some words here people!! Like, some emotion, some feelings, some estrogen…sigh….WORDS!!!

So, when we would switch and when I drove here’s how it went...

Immediate road work, speed falls to 55 or less. My man makes a comment like, “wow, well that stinks for you.” 2 minutes later, pillow over the head, chair reclined, and he’s out. Oh, yeah, and of course this is always at the wee hours, when my peeps are asleep, and after I’ve totally depleted my podcast selections. Nice. It happened…

Every time.

Within moments of the switch.

Every time!

I’m NOT bitter. I’M NOT. (ok, a little)

FINAL NOTE:

I will say in his defense, as I drove the final miles of 290 from College Station into Cypress, I started bawling like a baby. When he FINALLY woke up (in like Fairfield or something…good grief!), he reached over, patted my arm and said, “you ok?”

Me: shake head, tears pouring…

My man: “babe, it’s ok to cry…I’m glad you’re crying( arm pat)…it’s normal…she’s gonna be fine(rubs my arm)…God’s got her. He does…” pat, rub…squeeze(I’m thinking like, I love this, I do, I’m amazed at this man…like he found a wee bit of estrogen in his latest nap…so tender…tear!) “You want to pull over (this last 2.3 miles) and i'll drive?

Me: no, it’s fine

My man: You want to talk?

Me: no, I’m done now, I don’t want to be crying when we get home.

My man: What are you thinking that made you start crying?

Me: That it’s going to cost me $129 to replace my CHI, and I really, really, liked that one.



I am mighty…I am strong...i can do this…
xoxo~
Pen

things you cant make up....

First day home. I can feel my feet, and fingers for the first time in a week. numbness from cold has passed, and it appears there is no permanent damage. phew!...


But let me tell you what's really cool? What's really cool...is when you get a great nights sleep in your own bed. Ahhh bliss…or when you wake up to the smell of your favorite coffee, AND you open the fridge to find you still have some creamer…happiness…pure delight and happiness… and then (here's the really, really cool part...) you walk into your home office and water drips on your head. So you look up and see several water puddles throughout the office…running along beams and seams in the sheetrock…which is where your #2’s bathroom happens to be located. But she’s left for school.

Welcome home, Welcome home!

I race up the stairs and nothing. No water, no remnant of water, not even the slightest bit of humidity or dampness. Relief. momentary though, because I still have to find the leak.

My man and i survey the damage. (see pics) and call the insurance company. We make the claim; turn off all water to the house from the street. Concede that we will evidently not be having showers, or washing clothes (ah shucks!) and wait for plumber friend to show up.

I’m thinking, well…maybe we make lemonade outta these lemons and we fix it ourselves and have some extra money towards floors…or college…or groceries. Whatever.

My man, thinks this is ridiculous, and we will NOT be attempting my ,”home improvement, make some money off of this deal and ½ *ss it” plan. We will call a plumber, and we will wait on insurance adjuster. And then, and only then, we will discuss what the next step will be.

Ohhhh kayyyyy….DREAM CRUSHER!!!

So, plumber shows up. 2 of them…(sadly, 1 of them remembers me right away from another plumbing incidence a year and half ago when he came out to replace a toilet upstairs when our 8 year old niece dropped an old cell phone in the toilet, flushed it, and then “forgot” to tell us! That’s another story all together…) He cuts ceiling, sees dampness and water. Tests pipes, nothing. Other guy runs up stairs, turns on all water faucets, shower heads, flushes toilets…nothing. Guy 1, tells guy 2 I think we should cut a HOLE in the sheet rock behind bathroom (which is my guest room) and see if they are leaking on that side. Whooooooaaaaaaa….hold up there pilgrim. Let’s keep this project contained to the office ceiling…no need to cut holes in the wall! (unless of course I can get new flooring out of it? no?)

Next sound I hear is a saw. Like a real loud saw. I walk outside, and try and go to my happy place…only I can’t find it…and it’s not happy this place I find…it’s far more like my, “oh-mi-gosh-can-this-really-be-happening-today-because-this-really-sucks-i-think-i-need-a-margarita!” place. Um, hello God, I don’t even like lemonade, I was just trying to be positive in 2011. But I’m past that now. Way past! Like so far past that I can’t even remember why I wanted to be that person. Stupid positive people. Booyah – come and live this life!! That’s what I’m sayin’!!!

3 hours and 30 minutes later, the owner of the plumbing company is in my home, a roofer friend has driven by, and naturally, stops in to be a part of the commotion as well. (great! What’s next the local news?) Hell, why not? Throughout this day they have all asked several times…”any chance someone overflowed the toilet?” Me – “no, we’ve been gone for a week, and #2 didn’t mention anything. I can text her and ask.” So I do. And she says, “No.” end of story. Now, back off my girls! I'm starting to get a little mama bear-ish! Mess with the bull...you get the horns, ya know what I'm sayin'?

We (3 plumbers, 1 roofer, and me-Texas mom on verge of breakdown with bad hair and no Chi) decide to leave ceiling open, let it dry out, and just go from there. Gee, this is great news…I have holes in my ceiling and chunks of wall missing. Love the idea of rodents and other critters roaming in my home throughout the night. Total set up for a great night’s sleep. Can’t wait. You guys really know how to make a girls day! Shoot me now please!

As they leave, plumber guy #1 says, “Ya know, weird things happen with girls (be careful buddy....). You might just wanna check with them and make sure no-one did anything with water or something. Ya just never know.”

I smile and say, “Will do!” and then under my breath (weirdo!) like, seriously, I know my girls. If they had a “water incident” they would tell me, and they sure the heck wouldn’t get it cleaned up correctly, and they would definitely leave wet towels, etc…. I can generally track their movements like serial killers…they leave telling signs everywhere they go. It’s in their genes. (not my genes of course!! His genes-my man's!)

But…this guy, he's got me thinking...#2 is very concrete.  If you ask her a direct question she answers directly.  for instance: Did the toilet overflow? answer: no.  she doesn't think beyond that question, like, "hmm...i wonder why momma would ask me that?..."it's over for her.  i asked. she answered. the end.

Just to be able to say, “I did.” I text #2, (*now the following text is verbatim, it will help you appreciate what i live with...)

Me:“hey-#2, water leak in office, any chance you overflowed toilet? Or tub? We can’t figure it out?”


#2: “no to toilet, BUT, maybe the bathtub, cleaned it all up though! Didn’t think it’d be a big deal. See you when I get home. LOVE you! Sorry”


Me: tub overflowed? Define overflow? Water on carpet?


#2: yes (c'mon now...you have got to be kidding me..."yes". no explanation!?)


Me: hallway? Bathroom?


#2: Tile in bathroom, and at crease where carpet and tile meet


Me: an inch?


#2: height or on the carpet?


Me: BOTH!!! (it's OK, it's ooooohhh kaaayyyy, put the gun down...slowly...take deep breaths...)


#2: carpet went out into the hall like an inch and height was about 1 cm-1/2 cm


Then…


Between one and half and one cm, not one and half


Me: (sent picture of ceiling in current state) um, you’re gonna want to come home soon :), we’ve got some clean up to do!


#2: (she's seen the picture now...)Please tell me that wasn’t my fault…;(, I love you mom, so much! <3


Me: Come home, so I can show you how much I love you….:)


#2: ok, ...I’d like to live to see tomorrow:)



Ya know, I’d like to lead a normal life. Nothing too fancy, or nice. Just normal. I’d like some extra money, not a lot, just a little. I’d like it to rain chocolate for a week straight and for all bread products to be low fat and good for me in large quantities. I’d like a lot of things….but we don’t get what we like. We get what we get. I'm adjusting. I'm bitter, but I'm adjusting!!

But let me tell you what #2 is getting...an exciting lesson in painting…and sheetrocking…and texturizing…and loss of money for projects you don’t want to pay for, but get to in life because…well, that’s life!…and that’s how you get to see tomorrow if you are her and you live with me!

For the record, I’m not telling the plumber. I’m not lying, I’m just not offering any words on this subject...EVER! Don’t give me that lying by omission crap. I’m doing the best I can. How much more shame can a mother take? I'm only human ya know…

But I am mighty…and

I am strong…and

I will take her…

xoxo~

Pen

the night before (or kinda the morning of?) the journey...part 1

She's leaving me. It's here. the day has come. 
I'm totally freaking out here.
seriously.
Today is the day, (or the night before the day, which its actually the day, since it's 2:30 a.m.)its loading up to take #1 to college. in Colorado. tears for sure! - like they are on demand!!  but first let me give you some perspective..
At 2:40 am as I lay my head down to sleep, I hear giggling and squealing from upstairs.  I'm like, seriously? were leaving for Dallas in less than 10 hours. So i get out of my comfy bed  with my "mom face" on ready to deal...as I go upstairs I find #1 and #2 wide awake, packing, sorting and laughing. i do what any normal mom would do at 2:40 am...I take pictures.  #1 has become quite the packer.  She has packed everything you can possibly imagine.  There are bins. space saver bags (who even knew she had heard of these?), trunks, suitcases etc.   I gently remind her that the school she's heading to has allotted her all of 26 INCHES for hanging clothes and a small 3 drawer dresser/nightstand. 
She's got this. "Don't worry mom! And don't start freaking out!" (nice.) and follows this up with a deep sigh (as if I'm the over packer?! go figure!!)...and starts to tell me that she has a plan: under-the-bed roll away storage. (big cutesy grin) 3m hooks. (duh?!) trunks as foot boards. (she smiles that smile that says, "I'm brilliant! back off mom!")  You name it, she has a thought for it.  This is where mother/daughter words could erupt. I have many. Its 3:00 am. I weigh my options. give my own deep, guttural, slow sigh...and show maturity. and refrain.  20 points for ME! yay!
...but then i spot my CHI IRON.
This changes everything. It's on now. And I can take her. We do the whole "i know, that you know, that i just saw that, and you think you're taking this prized possession" look at each other, and end with both eyes on the CHI.
I'm holding steady.  pulled out my toughest, most pathetic, wounded mom look.
She holds tight. She's not a "caver-in-er"either.  Whips out her raised eyebrows, pouty lips, and tilts her head kinda funny to the side look.
I'm like, "NO way."Child,  you have lost your mind!!” (OMG, I’m turning into that angry black woman I read about in the paper the other day…)


She’s like, “mom, it’s my hair!”

“What about my hair?” (Am I arguing over my hair? Really? This is what it’s come to? They’re trying to kill me by making me crazy. I swear it. You read it here first.)

“But you can share with #2!”

For the record…#2 does not share well! I feel this whole argument slipping from my grasp, and my CHI (for crying out loud!!)…I quickly avert my eyes from #1 to scan the room and determine if there are any other items that are about to leave my home. I need leverage. Bargaining power. Quick scan around her room yields hair bands, some “girl” razors, and… a box of tampons (which is a HUGE commodity in our home. If you have teenage girls you totally get this!) . Oh, no! Uh-uh. It’s on now. (think: I am mighty. I can do this. You own her.)
Now hear me out: I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it is. It is not uncommon in my home to trade a tampon for a hair band-or vice versa . They are THE 3 things in our home, that on any given day, regardless of how many you have purchased (and trust me, we suck it up and go the Sam’s Warehouse route!!), you cannot find when you need them. Now don’t sigh, and say, “Why don’t you just buy everyone their own?”
WE DO!
We buy them in the jumbo quantity. In multiple packages. For every long haired, estrogen filled being who lives here, or stays for more than 24 hours. It’s like when you were buying diapers and formula. You buy them and just like that they are gone! Hair bands, tampons and “girl” razors are like a form of currency around here. But the CHI, well the CHI is like the $100 bill.
My man likes to say that when he realized he was having two girls, he should have just thrown every dime into Playtex stock. We went from Playtex bottles, to Playtex tampons. Neither is cheap. (Note to self – this could make for a good birthday gift for him! Duh, Playtex stock! Totally wish I would have thought of this before!!)…anyways, back to the story…
I am feeling a little "cold hearted." A wee bit guilty. I mean, we are from Texas. Good hair is like completely expected from a Texas girl. What kind of mature mother fights her daughter for a Chi? Like maybe, just maybe, I should just cave in and let her take it...and the “girl” razors, and the tampons, and the hair bands….and my money, and my heart…sigh…is there no end to this loss? This giving up? They just strip you down…piece by piece. Moment by moment. Tampon by tampon. Sad.

But… nonetheless, I cave. She wins. I tell myself this is just losing a battle to win the war. Right? I will win the war won’t I?

I tell her she can go on and take it, (just take it all I think to myself!) and she squeals (literally!), “thank you momma! Thank you! Thank you!”

I’m a sucker. I knew it the day she was born.

As I leave the room, (mourning the loss of my personal belongings, and thinking of how will I EVER negotiate with #2 to gain CHI access on a regular basis…sigh…), #2 pipes up and gently throws out, “uhm, mom?”

“uhhh, yeeeessssss.”

“Just want to remind you that I’m ready for that car you promised me, anytime you and dad are ready to buy it for me….just sayin’.” Cutesy smile. Flips her head to the side.

I just keep on walking. Play deaf….and dumb. And sleepy.

Takers. They’re all takers. Start hiding your things now, and be crafty!! Kids these days are smart.

Xoxo~

Pen

P.S. – please refrain from any bad hair comments for the next 6 months. I thank you in advance.


(To be continued....)